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Thursday, 17 December 2009

Ayahuasca Diaries, part 3

Day 3.

This shamanic diet is beginning to get to me, even after a day. No salt or flavour means the food is awful, and you have no energy unless you drink this disgusting drink, even the smell of it makes me sick. So ill stop drinking it and just make sure to eat all the meals. I fell asleep in a talk this afternoon, and keep breaking out in a sweat. Tonight (in one hour) is the second Ayuasca ceremony. Its powerful stuff, i really dont know whats going to happen, i hope i dont have a bad 'vision' tonight - from seeing some of the guys it looked terrifying.

Day 4.

Im beginning to wonder the health benefits of flaying your mind to near death every night. last nights ceremony began as usual, and after 40 minutes i felt myself 'going under'. I think i took a bit more this time than last (also it ferments so becomes stronger and tastes even more repulsive. Quickly the mood went strange. The Icaros sounded unfamiliar and i found myself embarcing insanity. That is, i went insane. I didnt know who i was. I didnt exist, i was everything and nothing. It was my worst nightmare of what happens when you die, you just go into the cosmic soup of things and cease to exist, and have never actually existed outside of your own mind and ego. Then the message began to come to me, that i had to embrace total insanity, in order to see clarity. That i had to not exist to understand that in fact im part of everything. That when i die i do indeed go into the cosmic soup, and while my soul exists, and my spiritual advancement from this life exists, the person i thought i was doesn't. The fact that i dont really like onions, but i like ice cream - never existed. So is my favourite colour, my homesickness for Glasgow, my businesses back home, my skills at driving (or not) etc etc. All i am is a bunch of particles. I hope im explaining this in an ok manner, it was quite hard to grasp at the time with words as the message didnt come with words, it was all a feeling. I was deep inside the Ayhuasca and i didnt notice anyone around me, but i understand i was puking a bit. This i can saw for sure was the most frightening moment of my life. I understood at this time the priorities of my existance, and i also understood that id gone insane, and i wasnt sure at this time if i had lost it permanently.

I embraced this insanity. This total chaos and non existance of myself.

Then i began to change into a Wolf. i became a wolf, it was like being possessed i suppose. I felt my left arms joints changing to that of the front leg of a wolf, ie with the paw and so on. I was being taken over and i was scared, so i tried to fight it. I then began to change into an insect, with my arms becoming some kind of curved mandible with grooves on the inside.I puked my guts up. I sounded like a great worm from planet Dune, choking out this black poison. The bucket was full of these manky weeds and dead plants, and death and decay was all around me. I understand now that this idea really means that we are connected to everything in the world, and it is entirely possible to actually 'become' an animal under the infulence of Ayhuasca. This doesnt just mean you imagination, there is something more, you think like the animal, behave and move and act like the animal, even though you have no idea even what it is you are doing. I have a pretty good imagination but this was totally leftfield for me, and i am now convinced there is somthing else crazy about this, i didnt think id find myself saying this but you actually become possessed by the animal spirit. I cant think of a rational other explanation. Affter some time and some heavy puking (no shitting tonight) the vision fades and lapsed into a morose exhaustion with sweating. About midnight it wore down and i felt good enough to go to bed. I slept soundly, although with some crazy dreams.

I didnt enjoy this time at all, im trying to understand things rationally here - I understand that Ayhuasca releases the seratonin or something similar which gives you the experience of the near death experience, so it can explain why i went insane and lost all sense of myself - this is what happens when my soul leaves my body and therefor leaves the world of physical sensation. I didnt exactly 'go to hell' or see heaven but i expect this is the type of thing that may happen. With the possession, well more later on that.

Today is a break from the Ayhuasca, so i will get both lunch and dinner - when we have a ceremony we don't get dinner, so ive been living on one meagre meal a day plus this Godawful breakfast and im pretty exhausted. Now im today at a nearby lake swimming and life seems perefectly (and spookily) normal again. It turns out the girl i thought had cancer actually doesnt have cancer, she just has shaved head, i guess shes a Lesbian. Shes a pretty freindly girl though, who happens to like a lot of blankets.

On this break day i slept late and at the end of the day i was sunburnt from being at the lake. At 5pm we too the 4th and last 'shamanic diet' drink which is supposed to let the tree spirits live in meand keep me healthy. it was in the ceremony house. Even going in there gives me the creeps after last night.
The whole setup here is like a horror movie. Calm and freindly by day, but a scene of total heart stopping horror for 3 hours at night. Im not looking forward to the 3rd session at all, and im looking forward to this finishing.

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