Ayahuasca diaries, part 5

Day 6

I slept much of the day away, and missed breakfast (wasnt missing much) i will eat lunch as its the only meal today. It's this horrible bony fish like somthing only Gollum would touch, rice, and a disgusting baked planten which looks like a banana but tastes like a bad bad cigar. Today again went slowly, and i was tired, especially since the Ayhuasca kept me awake most of the night.

The ayhuasca on this night tasted so bad that i was almost sick straight away. i think my body knows to reject it since ive vomitted and had diarea so much with it. Luckily Justin, two along from me, had a local hadrolled cigarette - just a puff or two takes the taste away (this is the only smoke ive ever had except at the secret place with Birgita :o) )

The nights experience was a little boring. I suppose ive become used to it. I was however a more pleasant experience all round, just sitting in a pleasant space for 3 hours, a little like the first ceremony. I guess the medecine was working on me and conslidating the previous nights in my head. some guys were really getting noisy again but in a good way. Mr psychic orgasmer was at it again albeit in a quieter way, and mr chicken was having his own personal farmyard party.

It keeps giving me this electric shock when i try to sleep, so by the time i was able to even doze i was exhausted as it was 5am and becoming light again. The next day was a day off so i could have a long lie at least.

Day 7

This day off was uneventful except for an inca fire ceremony in the evening, which was a total sham. you went up to a fire and made a wish. Big deal. Santa was as likely to hear it as the Jaguar God (well lets see, i wished that i won the Aston Martin DB9 in the competiton i went in for at the airport last month!) im getting used to the shamanic diet now, and i have lost a lot of weight. My beer (actually mostly food and laziness) belly has gone and i look tanned and sexy. I was swimming a lot in the lake until one women and a guy got parts of their toes bitten off. Seems there are some nasty fish in there, i must have been lucky (or they dont eat people on the shamanic diet as we taste awful!) hamilton and some guys fished for 30 mins and caught 2 pretty nasty little piranha like fish. Once 2 years ago i swam in a marsh full of Pirahnas (with a 6m long Anaconda in tow but thats a long and different story!) and i was scared shitless. Another of my 9 lives gone, as my mother would say.

Ayahuasca diaries, part 4

Day 5

It rained heavily all day today, and there were some flooded areas in the camp. The time dragged on before the ceremony. Everyone was nervous and there was a tense atmosphere in camp.

The ceremony, however, ended up quite different from the previous nights in the asylum. I didnt have any strong visions at all really. Maybe the medicine thought id learned the lesson and understood the last message sufficiently to move on. The night was reasonably boring, with the odd nugget of wisdom and clarity making some part of the previous session clear. The wolf came again and i made freinds with him, and now i understood he was here to help me to avoid evil spirits. He slept beside me in my bed afterwards.(am i really writing this?!!) This time the Ayhuasca was coursing through my veins until 5am, giving me shakes and shudders, and a lot of intermitent diarea through the night. I had a dream/vision that i married one girl and we had a son called Robert. Another strange random thing straight out of the blue, and from where i dont know! I dont even think i know anyone with that name, although it is a cool name (i never thought that before though)

Im still not sure, is this a medicine that allows the spirits to enter you and purge you until you see total clarity and enter heaven? Or is it simply a hallucinagenic drug that allows your subconcious mind to tell your concious mind what it needs to know. The 'purges' (pukes, shits, shakes, sweats) are strange - you feel good afterwards, yes definately like you got rid of somting bad in your system, 'some bad energy is leaving you' is what they say, and it clears the path to enlightment, but whatever... I suppose thats like some kind of psychic church confessional (not that i've ever been to one). One of the guys was basically orgasming in the ceremony. i afterwards saw him, hed walked into the jungle with his torch and was puking like crazy, whooping and oohin and ahhing. He was really loving it. he said the next day, he was going on fire, and met some really wise spirits who were opening up whole new things to him. This was his 2nd or 3rd time.

The setup here is quite interesting from a psychological perspective. 30 people living on top of each other (in questionable hygene/light) Its quite annoying with this large amount in the ceremony, as its a lot of noise and a lot of people going to the toilet putting torches on etc. I think 10 would have been much better. I couldnt even find a space in the toilet last night and was considering going in the shower. The noises in there would make a sober man sick. Ayhuasca puking is not like normal puking. Its always loud, not much actually comes up, but there is a lot of energy used in the process. Some guys make a gobbling noise like a turkey, some guys are even stranger and more sinister, like a noise that an Orc would make choking to death.

Ayahuasca Diaries, part 3

Day 3.

This shamanic diet is beginning to get to me, even after a day. No salt or flavour means the food is awful, and you have no energy unless you drink this disgusting drink, even the smell of it makes me sick. So ill stop drinking it and just make sure to eat all the meals. I fell asleep in a talk this afternoon, and keep breaking out in a sweat. Tonight (in one hour) is the second Ayuasca ceremony. Its powerful stuff, i really dont know whats going to happen, i hope i dont have a bad 'vision' tonight - from seeing some of the guys it looked terrifying.

Day 4.

Im beginning to wonder the health benefits of flaying your mind to near death every night. last nights ceremony began as usual, and after 40 minutes i felt myself 'going under'. I think i took a bit more this time than last (also it ferments so becomes stronger and tastes even more repulsive. Quickly the mood went strange. The Icaros sounded unfamiliar and i found myself embarcing insanity. That is, i went insane. I didnt know who i was. I didnt exist, i was everything and nothing. It was my worst nightmare of what happens when you die, you just go into the cosmic soup of things and cease to exist, and have never actually existed outside of your own mind and ego. Then the message began to come to me, that i had to embrace total insanity, in order to see clarity. That i had to not exist to understand that in fact im part of everything. That when i die i do indeed go into the cosmic soup, and while my soul exists, and my spiritual advancement from this life exists, the person i thought i was doesn't. The fact that i dont really like onions, but i like ice cream - never existed. So is my favourite colour, my homesickness for Glasgow, my businesses back home, my skills at driving (or not) etc etc. All i am is a bunch of particles. I hope im explaining this in an ok manner, it was quite hard to grasp at the time with words as the message didnt come with words, it was all a feeling. I was deep inside the Ayhuasca and i didnt notice anyone around me, but i understand i was puking a bit. This i can saw for sure was the most frightening moment of my life. I understood at this time the priorities of my existance, and i also understood that id gone insane, and i wasnt sure at this time if i had lost it permanently.

I embraced this insanity. This total chaos and non existance of myself.

Then i began to change into a Wolf. i became a wolf, it was like being possessed i suppose. I felt my left arms joints changing to that of the front leg of a wolf, ie with the paw and so on. I was being taken over and i was scared, so i tried to fight it. I then began to change into an insect, with my arms becoming some kind of curved mandible with grooves on the inside.I puked my guts up. I sounded like a great worm from planet Dune, choking out this black poison. The bucket was full of these manky weeds and dead plants, and death and decay was all around me. I understand now that this idea really means that we are connected to everything in the world, and it is entirely possible to actually 'become' an animal under the infulence of Ayhuasca. This doesnt just mean you imagination, there is something more, you think like the animal, behave and move and act like the animal, even though you have no idea even what it is you are doing. I have a pretty good imagination but this was totally leftfield for me, and i am now convinced there is somthing else crazy about this, i didnt think id find myself saying this but you actually become possessed by the animal spirit. I cant think of a rational other explanation. Affter some time and some heavy puking (no shitting tonight) the vision fades and lapsed into a morose exhaustion with sweating. About midnight it wore down and i felt good enough to go to bed. I slept soundly, although with some crazy dreams.

I didnt enjoy this time at all, im trying to understand things rationally here - I understand that Ayhuasca releases the seratonin or something similar which gives you the experience of the near death experience, so it can explain why i went insane and lost all sense of myself - this is what happens when my soul leaves my body and therefor leaves the world of physical sensation. I didnt exactly 'go to hell' or see heaven but i expect this is the type of thing that may happen. With the possession, well more later on that.

Today is a break from the Ayhuasca, so i will get both lunch and dinner - when we have a ceremony we don't get dinner, so ive been living on one meagre meal a day plus this Godawful breakfast and im pretty exhausted. Now im today at a nearby lake swimming and life seems perefectly (and spookily) normal again. It turns out the girl i thought had cancer actually doesnt have cancer, she just has shaved head, i guess shes a Lesbian. Shes a pretty freindly girl though, who happens to like a lot of blankets.

On this break day i slept late and at the end of the day i was sunburnt from being at the lake. At 5pm we too the 4th and last 'shamanic diet' drink which is supposed to let the tree spirits live in meand keep me healthy. it was in the ceremony house. Even going in there gives me the creeps after last night.
The whole setup here is like a horror movie. Calm and freindly by day, but a scene of total heart stopping horror for 3 hours at night. Im not looking forward to the 3rd session at all, and im looking forward to this finishing.

Post Ayhuasca

Well i got back to Iquitos yesterday afternoon. i slept one hour on the last night, as our Shamanic diet was breaking at 6am, and even though the last Ayhuasca ceremony finished offically at 12midnight, it keeps coursing through your veins keeping you from sleeping all night. Any time i tried to sneak some sleep i got an electric shock and quivered like a fish so i stayed concious all night. Back in iquitos, I had a doze at 7pm, and when i woke up again it was daylight (this morning) I was exhausted. Im still trying to come to terms with what was the most insane and extreme week of my life. I made a diary to keep me in touch with reality and the rational world, i'll put it in here now.
I lost a stone and look like i just got out of Belsen. The orgnistation of the trip was very good. The main man in Blue Morpho, hamilton souther, is a pretty decent and personable guy, and spent a fair time explaining the scene and talking through the philosophy and helped make sense of what was happening. i puked and had diarea, for Scotland. I was definately in the top 10% of pukers, even 'doubling up' the first night puking and shitting at the same time (which seems entirely normal in the context) i beleive there were those who shit their pants, or shit in the shower. All seems normal in the chaos that is an Ayhuasca ceremony. Ok, ill begin the journal with the next post - its just as i wrote it at the time, and i understand more about it now, but its better, dear reader to take you through the journey as it happened...

Meanwhile heres a photo of me, David and justin, just before the last Ayhuasca ceremony (note puke bowl on left!) and also me eating my first steak this morning!!!! I like that nice christmas uniform of the yellow rose of texas staff :o)

EN EL INFIERNO VERDE!

I Will be offline for the next nine days, as ill go deep into the jungle and there is no electricity there...i'll take pics with my disposable camera. And write a diary of my descent into madness from this Amazonian heart of darkness....

I'm actually quite nervous about this Ayhuasca, as its pretty strong stuff from what i can gather. But thats life - like a rollercoaster, if it's not a wee bit scary somtimes then it wouldnt be any fun ;o) Adios til after 9 days!


(kaye, mum, dont worry im kidding, im in kilmarnock, i'll jump on the bus and be home for tea)

Ayhuasca, Oi!

The main event in this holiday is a 9 day ‘shamanic workshop’ in the middle of the Amazon, which starts on Monday. ( http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0603/features/peru.html ) I will be in the same place as events took place in the classic banned in every country video nasty, ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannibal_Holocaust and you can watch it via wwww.surfthechannel.com ) which is a pretty mental film, I recommend watching it. The director i beleive even went to court to prove that it wasn’t a snuff movie…well anyway its an isolated camp in the middle of the jungle with no electricity. I’ll go without oil, salt, coffee, tea and all normal food for 9 days, where I will be in isolation and not be able to even touch anyone, and indulge in 5 sessions of Ayhuasca, which is a tea made from a jungle vine and a plant, and which induces vomiting and hallucinations. Its said that everyone who takes it meets a little old green woman, who is the forest god, and also a giant snake. ( http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x39tss_ayahuasca-the-snake-and-i-english-1_politics )
If you allow the snake to eat you then you gain enlightenment. Personally I’m a total skeptic on these things, as you can gather, but I also believe you can only critizise something that you have experienced, so here goes (i've even gone and got my first ever skinhead since i wont be using such trendy modern crap as soap, shampoo or toothpaste over the next 9 days - maybe im missing something, is this why Estonian men do the same? Is the male population of Mustamae all in a state of permanent enlightenment?). I’m increasingly thinking to myself what an idiot I am for putting myself through this shit but hey what the hell

I do wonder what the other people will be like at this camp. There are I think 10 others. I’m hoping some cute chicks but I’m not holding my breath as cute chicks don’t generally go for hardcore self deprivation. I’m guessing a crossection of nutjobs, ex hitmen, and people with serious issues, all of whom I intend to avoid like the plague. I’m hoping against hope there are no self absorbed aroma therapists who play bongo drums, or spritual outreach craft workers, although they will be funny to take the piss out of at least. It might be fun to kidnap them actually. I must discuss this option with the local Indians.

I haven’t taken any malaria tablets because this 9 day thing means I cant take anything like that, as well as no alcohol, sex, or drugs for one month after, and no pork for 6 months (I’m not sure why on this - does it temporarily turn you jewish?) I’ve been flying over the jungle now for 30mins and all I can see is jungle as far as the horizon - what pricks are talking about disappearing Amazon? There is plenty of this green inferno left, I can tell you. Near where I will be, I believe are some of the last uncontaced tribes in the world. It would be funny if they actually were cannibals like in the film. Its basically about the remotest place on earth so don’t expect me to be answering your email any time soon.