Ayahuasca Revisited

 So here I am on the overnight flight from Chicago to London, with a free upgrade to first class, and my own bed, pyjamas, and facecream. I’m finally watching a movie called ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ recommended to me by a knowing friend, which is about an eccentric bi-polar writer about my age, who likes to run, lives and home with his parents, can’t have a normal relationship and  ‘says more inappropriate things than appropriate things.’ Hoho, dear shallow ex girlfriends, ring a bell? As I land at my mum and dads tomorrow afternoon the irony is not lost…(although the hot girl from the hunger games is in it as the love interest, so things don’t look so bad)

 One thing about movies though that is annoying though, is that the weird guy ends up getting the beautiful crazy but really deeply sensitive and shy lonely girl, but In real life, when I hang outside their house for nights on end and write them poetry every day, they usually stop taking my calls, block me on facebook and they end up moving in with bald used car salesmen with shit for brains. Ho-hum who said the movies were true eh, a man can only dream…

Anyway, I did say I’d write about taking Ayahuasca again, and the aftermath of going straight to Las Vegas from there, so I’ll tell you about it now…

The Ayahuasca…

This time was a very different experience from the first week, 2 or 3 years ago.  The first night was great. A whole bunch of ugly bad negative spirits who had been hanging around inside of me, waddled off to the exit. Big ugly monsters who I wouldn’t miss.

And I took up smoking. 

And I’m pretty sure I met God.

 Well, how do you explain to someone about that exactly? Well, you don’t. Just take Ayahuasca and you will meet him/her too. I suppose it’s nice to know that 

a. he exists (although this is obvious to anyone but the most wooden shallow person, feel free to take me up on this issue, as I would love to hear a credible argument for atheism) 

b. He’s omnipotent, if you let him be, and is a lot like you.

A hairy little old man drawing out a demon, and two monkeys, yesterday...

 The second night I had a relaxed night of consolidation. Then a guy, strangely the only guy in the group who I hadn’t spoken to before, decided to hang himself in his room. People were distraught, especially the organisers. Having someone die in the middle of a week of Ayahausca had quite an effect on the ‘juju’ in the camp. But we soldiered on.

 The strange thing is, after that, for me at least, nothing much happened.  One night a weird little being came to me. I was sitting there minding my own business, and I looked down, and standing there, a brown misshapen dwarf with a pot-belly stood there and asked me if he could help. I have absolutely no idea who this was, to this day.

 A whole bunch of bad spirits would float about, giant crustacean insects with long floating tendrils, quivering in the ether, checking me out.  A giant mosquito hovered over me, telling me he’d given me malaria, and I could feel the virus inside me, multiplying…uuh, but of course then I realized he was lying, so I managed to get rid of him and…voila, a relatively pain free Ayahuasca week-  a week in heaven if you will, and…straight to Sin City, Las Vegas, for ten days of ‘hell’…

The Buffet, Wynn Las Vegas...

The charcoal market, down at the port, erm Las Vegas. Or was that Iquitos.

…But actually I really enjoyed it. A couple of strange things happened. A guy’s card came near me and I told him it was the 3 of diamonds, and he looked at it and it was the 3 of diamonds. Which was strange since I didn’t see the card, but it did disrupt the game since he obviously thought I was cheating.  Feeling peoples auras? Yes, that is true, although not to the extent that I could ‘break’ Poker. I did however become a much better and more disciplined poker player, I kept my money, I cashed in 3 tournaments, I went running, emailed my family, bought some presents for nieces and nephews, and all was well with the world. And poker, you dear old devil of statistic risk analysis, bluffing, blustering bullshitting, and pushing all-in at completely inappropriate moments, I’m glad to stay I still love you…

Damn that hunger games girl is hot. I definitely recommend the film…

Vision Airlines

Spring in the North

It's days like this in Buffalo that I love being a northerner - those early spring days where you know that  the dark cold hell of winter has finally been purged out, and the sun is shining, the grass is beginning to grow again, and everyone is out in shorts and t shirt despite it being only just above freezing...

However, I have more important things to do, I'm reluctantly leaving on a plane to Las Vegas today, to conduct my important post ayahuasca experiment on the poker rooms of Vegas. The interesting first thing I feel is, thanks to Ayahuasca, that I have no particular wish to play poker again, ever. Which is great for any girl i finally marry, but certainly a weird feeling for me. It's the same with coffee. I had one this morning and couldn't finish it. Any wish for caffeine seems to be out of my system. Ahh the wonders of Ayahuasca.

The Ayahuasca trip I was on this time, was the usual rollercoaster ride. I'll write about it this week, as i see how it affects my day to day life. I don't feel the need to change the world right now, so just defeating the world of poker is enough for me.

I've booked a suite in the Trump Tower, (thanks to a big win in Lima, Peru) which is unusual in Vegas because it has no casino. The bad energy in casino's, especially in Vegas, i thought could well make me nauseous so soon after the Ayahuasca, so i erred on the side of caution. If i end up just lounging at the pool all week and finishing up some writing, then its not going to be the end of the world...

Til then, friends, adios...

Ayahuasca - Pros and Cons

I just got back from the jungle, and am relaxing in Iquitos (if that is at all possible) Rather than tell you about my experience just yet, I thought i'd list some plus and minus points about taking this wonder medicine...

CONS -

1. It is far and away the most revolting thing I've ever tasted.
2. It's best taken combined with bland food for all week, including no salt or sugar
3. You should take it with a Shaman, in the jungle, which of course isn't cheap.
4. The Shaman could well be dodgy, which isn't so good for your health. Or he could add things into the mix that aren't so good for you (like Toe)


PROS -

1. You get to meet God.
2. It's good for you.

Ayahuasca and Poker...Marriage made in Heaven?

In a weeks time, i'll be back in the middle of the Amazon jungle, in the lovely homely blue morpho Shamanic Retreat, glugging Ayahuasca like its going out of fashion, getting epiphanies about the meaning of life every 5 minutes, and puking on a 24/7 basis...

But wait a minute here, I thought the other day. What does a week long Ayahuasca fest do to me exactly? Yes, as usual, it's likely to change me for the better, spiritually and probably make me less funny and more serious, and i'm sure i'll end up drinking even less than i do now (which is almost nothing)

But on the plus side, my head will be clear and sharp, and like last time, i'll be uber-vulnerable on leaving the place, able to feel the auras of those around me, and the motives, the inner energy driving each and all of the people i'll meet.

So I had my own little epiphany on this subject. I thought, why not fly straight to Las Vegas afterwards, and play the Venetian Deepstack Poker series? I'll be supersensitive to people, so in theory, surely i'll be excellent (even more than usual) at reading bluffs?

Anyway, dear friends, only time will tell. Perhaps i'll be so sensitive I won't want to be anywhere near a Poker Room, with all that negative, zero sum energy, and guys spending money they can't afford, feeding the sharks. But perhaps, just perhaps, a little bit of the old me will remain to pull me towards the  most amazing thing since the WSOP was invented. Perhaps its a secret weapon and i'll be invincible, break the whole game of poker, and become a zillionaire. Perhaps i'll be walking to the pawnbroker with my Breitling in hand, but either way an adventure, and thats what life's about is it not?

Well dear friends, watch this space....

The dangers of being a 'Basement Shaman' - Ayahuasca

For all my friends who have ordered Ayahuasca online and take it 'recreationally', heres an amazing but terrifying story of Ayahuasca and the dangers of being a 'basement shaman' from Graham Hancock, the writer and esoteric thinker...



''Warning before you begin reading. In what follows I am reporting experiences and also interactions with others. I give my interpretations of those experiences and interactions, but I make absolutely no claim that my interpretations are correct.

Very strange and disturbing events around our fifth Ayahuasca session here in Brazil which took place on the night of Monday 4 February into the small hours of Tuesday 5 February.

I mentioned in my previous status update on this subject that during the fourth session something happened to me that I experienced as an intense and focused psychic attack. To provide context I cite extracts from that account here:

“I was still in the ceremonial room in Brazil but at the same time I was not – as though everything had been shifted half a step to the side into some parallel dimension that had always been there, overlapping with ours, but had hitherto remained unseen. So at one and the same moment I was in my body, on my mattress in the ceremonial space, and at the same time out of my body in this other simulacrum of the room half a step to the side on another plane of reality.

“The entity that was attacking me stood very close to me. It had human form, in fact it looked like one of the other members of our group, but it was immediately obvious that it was not a physical being… Sparks of light flashed from its eyes and there was sorcery in its hands and its gestures, and all my puffed up pride that I would be able to handle this malevolent force, that I might somehow meet it on equal terms and defend against it, was blown away like mist. I realized I was completely powerless and incompetent in its presence, utterly overmastered by it, out of my league. If this were a spiritual dojo I would be the novice wearing the white belt and this thing, whatever it was, would be the ninth dan black belt here to wipe the floor with me.

“I tried projecting love at it. It wouldn’t work. The sense of threat and danger continued to mount. I tried to invoke Mother Ayahuasca in her manifestation as the Blue Angel. This did no good at all. I tried to raise a barrier of light. Failure again. Finally my out-of-body self just curled up into a ball while I was pummeled and beaten and humbled on that etheric plane.

“I endured the continuing psychic attack for some while, but then when I could bear it no longer I decided the only course open to me was to leave the room, so I staggered out – the Ayahuasca was very strong and I was a little unsteady on my feet – went downstairs, across the dining area and out through the porch into the lush tropical gardens that surround this property…”

So that was the fourth session (if you wish to read the full text you will find it in the relevant earlier status update). Now just before the start of the fifth session something even stranger and utterly unexpected happened. Having already stated our individual intentions for the evening we began to queue up to receive our cups of the brew from our shaman.

Often during this moment members of the group embrace and wish one another a good and safe journey; that is quite normal. But this evening I heard a sudden cry of shock and one of the women in our group – I must respect privacy and will not name her – protested that another member of the group, a man (again, no names) had approached her making a series of bizarre and threatening hand gestures and at the same time projected his breath forcefully into her face. For those of us familiar with Amazonian shamanic traditions it was immediately obvious that this was a very serious act, for it is by blowing with the mouth that the brujos – sorcerers – of the Amazon project the magic pathogenic darts known as virotes at their enemies in order to do them harm. Virotes may also be projected through a sorcerer’s arms and out of openings in his hands.

“Did you do that to anyone else?” asked the woman who had been the victim of this sinister assault.

The man admitted that he had not.

“Then why did you do it to me?” she asked.

“I was blessing you,” he said.

“I don’t even let my husband blow in my face like that,” she objected, “and I certainly didn’t ask for your blessing! What were you trying to do to me?”

“Pah!” he replied, turning his back, “you wouldn’t understand.”

It seemed that what had been just a few days before a peaceful, trusting, cooperative group had suddenly been exposed to some malign energy or intent. And for me the strangest thing of all – the very strangest thing – was that the man who had blown into the woman’s face, who had so aggressively stepped into her space and infringed her sovereignty, was the very same man I had been attacked by the night before in my visions.

Except then I had convinced myself that it could not be him (“it had human form, in fact it looked like one of the other members of our group, but it was immediately obvious that it was not a physical being”).

Now, I was not so sure.

After such a disruption of the flow it would probably have been wise if no one had drunk the brew that night but, having come so far, we all did, including the woman who had been assaulted – although she asked our shaman to clear the negative energy that she felt had been projected at her first.

I took my largest dose yet in this series of sessions, 100 mililitres, composed myself for whatever lay ahead and instantly regretted drinking so much. In the event, however, I was hyper-alert, jangled and so afraid that whenever an intense visionary state threatened to creep up on me I resisted it, actively and consciously fought against it, and willed it away. The plain truth was that I did not wish to become vulnerable again to that malevolent force, that had overmastered me and psychically bullied and terrified me during the previous session and since it could not get at me in the physical realm, but only in the visionary or astral realm, my instinct was not allow myself to go there.

And I found myself wondering – what are we dealing with here? Is it in fact what it appears to be? Is this individual who tonight so blatantly transgressed the sovereignty of another member of the group in physical space, somehow manifesting a spirit body and using it to transgress also on the astral plane? Or is it as I originally suspected some powerful etheric entity that is not him at all but simply disguising itself as him? Or could it be a bit of both? Could he be a weak, perhaps psychopathic, individual who has made some sort of Faustian bargain with a dark and hungry supernatural force and is serving as a more or less willing lightning rod to channel it to others around him? Or might it none of the above?

Here, before going further, I feel compelled to repeat that I make no claim as to the reality of the entities and realms encountered in Ayahuasca visions. It is possible that they are real but only accessible to our senses in altered states of consciousness; but it is equally possible that they have no fundamental reality whatsoever. There are many other possibilities, ranging from archetypes to projections to the imaginal, that are also worthy of consideration. All I can say for sure is that they are experienced as real and I claim nothing more than that.

About two hours into the session we all heard a crashing sound somewhere below. Along with our shaman and a couple of others I hurried down the stairs and we found another member of our group, a strong young man in his early thirties collapsed on the floor. He said he did not understand what had happened to him. Something dark had attacked him, swarmed over him, overpowered him, and he had felt certain he was going to die unless he got out of the ceremonial space. On the way down the stairs he had become faint and fallen. “I looked death in the face,” he kept on saying, “I looked death in the face.”

Our shaman went to work on him. There are certain techniques – the use of a rattle, a thumb placed firmly on the center of the brow, the chanting of special songs called icaros – which are helpful in clearing away negative psychic energies and, after about half an hour, the young man was able to stand and walk around. “I looked death in the face,” he repeated – but this time with a smile – “and I survived.”

Later in conversation our shaman told us that when he had begun to work on the young man he himself had been seized by a feeling of absolute terror – a powerful and overwhelming dread that he was only able to master with great difficulty and by drawing on everything he has learned in more than forty years of working with the brew.

Later still, another member of our group, a trained psychotherapist who is also enormously experienced with the sacred use of psychedelics, came down from the ceremonial space to join us in the kitchen, took a seat and said calmly and reflectively: “What the hell was THAT?” He then reported that he too had been terrorized in the visionary realm by some dark entity that he too associated with the individual who had blown in the woman’s face at the beginning of the ceremony. “I tried very hard to rationalize what was happening,” he said. “I tried to convince myself that what I was experiencing was just my own shadow side taking illusory form, that this was something I was projecting, but in the end I became certain it was a real force, something utterly alien and deeply, deeply evil and completely external to myself. I tried every technique I know to keep it at bay but nothing worked.”

The following day I talked to the individual who had blown in the woman’s face. “I’m a basement shaman,” he said. He sounded quite proud of himself. “I make DMT and smoke it a lot at home, exploring visionary worlds and I go around Ayahuasca groups doing this work. Sometimes people don’t like it but I just withdraw within myself so they can’t get to me.” He told me he hoped I appreciated how much courage it took for him to talk to me openly like this about the disruption his behavior had caused. I told him that my advice was that he should cultivate humility and not imagine that he has any “work” to do with anyone else; only with himself. After speaking to me he spoke to the woman whose sovereignty he had transgressed the night before and apologized to her, again repeating that he hoped she appreciated what tremendous courage it took for him to come out in the open like this. She found herself unable to accept his apology. “You’re trying to make it all about you,” she told him, “with all this crap about your courage. That’s not a genuine apology at all.”

Two days later, mercifully, the man left. Indeed most of the group have now gone. Just seven of us remain for the final two sessions, the first of which took place on the night of 10 February into the small hours of 11 February. It was a blissful, open-hearted night with a great feeling of love, security, solidarity and trust. I am not going to describe it further here except to say that the same member of our group who had asked “What the hell was THAT?” after the fifth session had a new insight during the night. He experienced a direct, personal encounter with the loving entity whom we call Mother Ayahuasca (who is perhaps a goddess, though she does not wish to be worshipped) and he asked her the same question: “What the hell was THAT thing that attacked us during the fifth ceremony? Why did we have to go through that?”

“You needed to see it,” she replied. “Now you know what I have to deal with all the time. It’s the evil that is loose in the world, twisting and destroying the human spirit and I need your help to fight it, the help of good people everywhere, the help of the power of love.”

I realize how strange all this must sound to those (undoubtedly the vast majority who read this) who have not drunk Ayahuasca and perhaps do not wish to. All I can say, as my good friend Dennis McKenna puts it, is that Ayahuasca is the ultimate skeptic’s challenge. It is not an intellectual argument. It is not a matter of empirical, scientifically verifiable proofs. It is quite simply an experience. Once you’ve had a deep and powerful encounter with the brew you can make of it what you will, but until you have had such an encounter it is better to withhold judgment.

I hope with these personal accounts that I have added some quantum of useful data to the body of available information about the Ayahuasca enigma. I have not held back and have shared with you both the dark and the light sides of the realm of experience into which this mysterious, ancient and sacred Amazonian brew can plunge us. It is as though a doorway is opened into a parallel universe in which – as in the universe we inhabit in our daily lives – there is both good and evil, but in which – both there and here – we as conscious human creatures are gifted with the power of choice. Sometimes we must face evil, sometimes it may do us harm, but we do not have to join forces with it, we do not have to make compromises with it, we do not have to bow down to it and we do not have to serve its purposes. Evil cannot always be defeated but it can always – always! – be resisted.

So the Ayahuasca experience is by no means all sweetness and light and if you go into a session with that naïve expectation you may well, at some time or other, find yourself unpleasantly surprised. Ayahuasca is extremely serious business and this is one amongst many reasons why I would not advise anyone to partake of it without skilled and well-intentioned shamanic guidance – though such guidance, these days, is available from a small but growing number of good-willed and completely un-egotistical Western facilitators as well as from Amazonian shamans. Indeed the fact that a self-styled “shaman” hails from the Amazon is no guarantee whatsoever of the quality of care and service he will provide; in this, as in all adventurous journeys where hazards can be expected you should do your research carefully, consult others and rely on word of mouth before committing yourself to a particular path.

With these necessary cautions expressed, however, I conclude by affirming that the Ayahuasca experience is, above all else, about love and that there is openness of heart in it and a tremendous sweeping away of the blockages and mechanisms of denial that prevent us from getting to grips with and resolving fundamental issues in our lives. Truly, it is not for nothing that a very strong Ayahuasca session has been described as twenty years of psychotherapy in one night! In this regard I have already set before readers here the radical change in my own life initiated by a series of Ayahuasca experiences I had during October 2011 – see my article “Giving up the Green Bitch: Reflections of Ayahuasca, Cannabis and the Mystery of Plant Teachers,” (http://www.grahamhancock.com/forum/HancockG3.php) which is now permanently posted on the Articles page of my website.

And above and beyond all that, as I’ve tried to show, the great virtue and promise of Ayahuasca is that it raises profound questions about the nature of reality itself. There are, as yet, no definite answers to those questions – perhaps there never will be – but to confront the experiences that give rise to them, while sometimes terrifying and often chastening, is, I believe, ultimately of the greatest value.''

Central America Vs South East Asia

Well, the dilemma for many of us people from North Europe with too much time on our hands is...where to spend Winter? For those on a budget (or just people who want good value for money) the obvious choices are either a. South East Asia or b. Central/South America.  Africas too scary (real wars and everything) Australias too boring and expensive, and not exotic enough, and the North...well the North is too cold.

Anywhere heres a step comparison from my 'in the field' observations....

1. Food
Central America - Chimichingas, Enchaladas, beans, rice, fried pretty much everything. Everyone here is fat, wonder why?

SE Asia - Lemongrass, tasty soups, spring rolls, lovely dishes wrapped in banana leaf....makes me hungry just thinking about it....

Result - SE Asia WIN

2. Culture
Central America - cockfighting, bull fighting, awful music and noise pollution everywhere you go. The most over excited and overexcitable people in the world. But on the plus side, a lot of passion and honesty. People aren't smiling to your face while robbing you here, they pull out a gun instead.

If you're looking to catch the Schubert recital tomorrow night, forget it. They have no idea who Schubert is. Or Beethoven for that matter. But if you hate peace and quiet and serenity, and love a constant chuchungachuchunga beat somewhere quite loudly in the background, police whistles and gunfire keeping you awake at night, this is the place for you. 'Change' zombies circle whenever you see Gringo. I've been standing waiting for the hotel guard to show up so long at times that every zombie from miles around has heard me shouting him and has limped (they tend to have bullet wounds of gammy legs from drugs) towards me babbling something connected to 'chaaaaange' in Spanish. I've been surrounded before, and the taxi has already sped on it's way, which ain't so good if you've had a good night at poker and are sitting with $2000 cash in your pocket

SE Asia - Ladyboys, buddhism, massages, genocide. I dont know, maybe its my age, but i do prefer peace and quiet, and not being a prisoner in my own hotel at night. I didn't experience any dangers at all in SE Asia beyond Ladyboys trying to chat me up. High culture, it must be a Europe/New York thing, it isn't here either, but cheap massages, cheap and tasty food, and the ability to walk around a little bit at night is a miracle.

Result - SE Asia WIN

3. Things to do
Central America - There are a lot of things to do here, truth be told. Ancient Civilisations abound, the best surfing in the world, amazing diving and snorkeling, and outside the big cities, life is (relatively) safer and a little more laid back. Here in Nicaragua you can do all sorts of things up Volcanoes, and there is even one city that is Liveable (Leon) The other great thing is that in many of the countries (due to the murder rate being the highest in the world) there are very few dickhead backpackers to ruin it all for you.

SE Asia - Yes, the beaches are here too, and the surfing, but i'd say on balance not quite as good. You can learn Muy Thai up in Chan Mai or explore Angor Watt in Cambodia, but it always seems to me that its all a 'backpackers' thing, i.e. there are too many 20yr old idiots from Surrey spending their Gap Yea finding themselves by 'getting wasted' and thinking they will be useful to society in some way at sometime (no, you won't, unless you get a Mcjob)

So, all in all, although there are plenty things to do, it's spoiled by there being too many European (and especially Aussie) arseholes in SE Asia. (except Emma and your lovely friend who returned my Charles Rennie Mackintosh book after 5 years, thanks!)

Result - Central America WIN

All in all, I can say SE Asia is a gentler, safer journey. The only thing breaking your serenity is the fake guffaws of Mr Coldplay as he laughs at some poor girls joke. The real Shangri-La is world without these people. And no I haven't and will never go to Ko-Sa-Mui, or to a full moon party. But there are great little spots in SE Asia (which i won't tell you about quite yet) to get away from these people. Head for the danger zones. These lonely planet junkies won't go near there.

As for Central America...well i've had some great nights here. If theres danger you can smell it (literally) a mile away. There seems (as i remember from one messed up Columbian guy the other night) to be an active drugs scene. My friend got some lovely baking powder from him for i'm not sure how much.

If you want to live long and prosper, SE Asia won't get you killed. Its the Coldplay of subcontinents. Safe, tastes pretty good but gets boring. If its more AC/DC you're looking for.......



6pm profoundness - On another point, people who take drugs. If you want to find the real answers, take Ayahuasca, stop pottering about with cowardly little baby steps like hash or cocaine. You take it perhaps because, deep down, like all of us, you're looking for something, but you won't find it there in the shallows....

Ayahuasca , One Year On

Preparing the Laced Kool Aid

Just realising that today is one year since I took Ayahuasca in Peru, with Hamilton Souther and the  blue morpho team .

Totally unconnected photo, in Machu Piccu (which is also a great place, i wrote about it November 2009)

You can read about the experience here and if your brave enough, here . (theres a much longer version of it in this blog in the early December 2009 posts)

I was thinking, has it changed my life ? Are the effects permanent? For those who havent experienced it, Ayahuasca is a jungle vine, which is mixed with tree bark and drunk, in a seance like ceremony - basically traditonal Amazonian Shamanism. The aim is to spend a few days, ingesting the Ayahuasca, in special ceremonies, with the Shamans. The Shamans sing 'Icaros' which are gentle healing songs, and you get frightening visions, puke your guts up, get rid of all your bad energy, and hopefully have a life changing ephiphany (do you get non-life changing epiphanies?!!)

The Mighty Amazon, near Iquitos

There are many pretty badly run and less than genuine Ayahuasca 'experiences' for tourists in Peru, mostly in Iquitos , but some notable good ones and proper Shamans and so on, and price does not seem to be a good indicator of quality. The main thing to do is check around forums and so on for one that looks comfortable, as it seems different people find a place they like themselves, or get to know some Shamans out there in the jungle, if you are feeling brave.

Nightlife in Iquitos

Its a boom business now though, with everyone 'waking up' to themselves etc etc. , pretending to get rid of their Ego. However, joking aside, i'd recommend it as a truly life changing event. For sure, i had an ephiphany or two, and im sure my fellow travellers on that trip did also. But one year on, how does it feel?

The Promenade, in Iquitos

The more visual things have faded, like the 'wolf' who came into my life, doesnt hang out with me any more - I wonder, was he real or a construct of the 'medicine', or just my imagination? or is it that now my heart has hardened again and im not open or sensitive to the spirit world any more. I had some crazy times in the month after the 'Aya', coming to grips with a dive into the world beyond, and had some terrifying nightmares, too, if im honest, but now it all seems like a distant dream....

However, the medicine does seem to work on you in the background, deep in your core. Priorities in life change, your philosophy changes, you realise whats actually important in life, and what isn't. These kind of things stay with you forever. The only sad thing is when you come out and you see that no one else has changed - I can understand that though - what if a freind i'd known for 20 years suddenly started telling me they'd seen the light? that material possessions are irrelevent? that God has a plan for us all and not to worry too much?

The happy and content, and eminantly non-materialistic, Mr Shitty, of Iquitos, relaxing at home

Well its just as confusing coming out of this thing back to your old life (which in my own case is generally about making money) and realising that actually the money isn't really so relevant other than as a means to an end - But the Ayahuasca is strong. 3 weeks ago, I found myself locked out of my apartment one day, and i realised that there isnt a single thing in there that i really wanted, not a single thing. So profound a thing hadn't occurred to me before but anyway, for the first time in my life there was a temptation to simply walk away from it all, and keep walking...but of course I didnt, I packed a suitcase and went to USA, on business...so maybe another Ayahuasca tour is required, so i can end up happy as this guy..(who could forget mr Shitty, of Iquitos)

Ayahuasca veterans ;o)

I wondered how the Ayahausca is working for the 'vets' out there from the trip? All well and good with the positive vibes within a few weeks, but now its been two months, it would be great to here some stories how people are coping back in the real world - how is it in relationships or freindships for example, do you feel people better? how to cope if yoou find yourself in the same old rut?

Although it seems like we were all at the best party in the world, the sad thing is no one else knows about it, and its pretty hard to describe satisfactorily in words as youve all im sure found out...

I personally am still getting some kind of 'direction' there strangely enough - for example im a lot more self aware - Im doing a lot more sport and am able to prioritise my life around positive things more easily. I can handle bad things more easily, and in conversation, my semi-autism seems to have lessened, and im aware how what i say may affect that person.

That said, im still going to hell ;o)

Ayahuasca Diaries, part 1

 I woke up in my iquitos hotel (hotel Maranon, very good for a jungle town) early after tossing and turning most of the night. I had had a great dinner the night before, at a restaurant called Fitzcaraldo (named after the film director), it was some really juicy fish kebab with chips, called plate Piscina de Amazona or somthing similar. I ended up dreaming of that dish a lot during the week ahead. I turned up at the blue morpho office at 8.30am odd, and met the others doing the tour, along with the American guy who runs the show. They looked mostly 'normal' people, although i did hear some conversations about 'spirits' and so on that sounded bizzare. I spoke to one pretty normal looking Aussie called Julian and one totally crazy but quite decent Ukrainian guy called Rolan, who was returning for the umpteenth time, he had a few interesting things to tell me about withccraft in Ukraine. There was also an American from Miami, Jesse who seemed pretty hyper but also had a few stories about seeing things and various psychic stuff. he was obsessed with what people put in their bodies, which i think is perfectly plausible if you live in USA where all the food tastes of plastic.

Anyway, after a few hours we went to the camp. I was a bit disappointed as it was only about an hour (55km) outside Iquitos so wasnt fully in the virgin jungle. Seems the previous camp they had was 200km up the river, right in the heart of the jungle. So there were no jaguars, monkeys or dangerous animals about, or cannibals unfortunately.

The people were a broad mix. One woman who looked like shed had chemotherapy for cancer, a few pretty weird looking guys, a few normal looking ones, a couple of cute Eastern European girls, but not really any total new age fruitcakes (thank God)

The centre is run by an American, Hamilton Souther, and the main local Shaman, Don Alberto, along with a local manager Johnny who seems superefficient, an intern Mags who is Scottish but has an English accent (read public school Scot) and an English guy who is the apprentice Shaman, called Chris, who looks like the guy from heavens Gate cult and was previously a psychic. Apart from that he seems quite decent.

The first activity once we dumped our stuff into these bare bones jungle huts, was to go to jungle to 'meet the trees' that we would be eating/drinking in the Ayhuasca sessions and the shamanic diet (see photo). we were encourtaged to hug them, talk to them and introduce ourselves. There were 11 out of the 30 people who were coming for the second or more time, who seemed to keen to. Alarm bells started to ring a bit when i was the only person who thought that this is a silly idea. I nodded to them for good form but didnt get involved in such nonsense.

Then all the barks were described to us, together with how they appear as spirits durig Ayhuasca sessions. ie one appears as a native warrior, one as an anaconda, one as headless giant etc.. This made me even more skeptical of this drug - seems strange how what is essentially DMT can have exactly the same effect on everyone.

i got the feeling here that all this talk about spirits in the camp was just part of sone kind of mass hypnosis thing combined with the drugs, but right now i havent taken the ayhuasca yet so lets wait and see.

Tonight ive started the 'shamanic diet' , where the Shamans sing an Icaro (its a weird song that summons the spririts, like using an amazonian Uija board ;o) i drank a revolting drink with 8 typres of tree bark in it, and for the next week i will not use soap, toothpaste,deoderant, shampoo etc. and will eat a totally plain bland diet that consists only of a really bony and nasty tasting fish, chicken (on alternate meals) with boiled rice and baked plantin (disgusting) and a really horrible yellow drink which is some kind of grass with water, to give me some calories. There is no salt, oil, flavours, or condiments of any kind. Also on 5 of the 7 days at the camp we fast after lunch, before taking the Ayhuasca. We arent allowed to meet people from the outside or even touch anyone (except you can shake hands with the 2 shamans) They also say no sunbathing as you dont have any energy from this diet obviously and you dont have any salt in you to sweat.

Tomorrow is the first Ayhuasca session, and im now looking forward to it whehter it does affect my life or not.

Day 2
In the morning, one of the girls in the cabin said she heard growling beside her bed last night (Mags said you could hear 'spirit jaguars'. I personally dont beleive it. When its raining humingbirds wait in the eaves of the huts, so i think its them she heard.) But it just shows you how everyone (except me) is thinking. Well i must be missng something. The shamanic diet started today. 11 of the 30 are doing it, mostly people who've done this a lot but including 2 other new people plus me. everyone is saying how brave we are but in all our cases its just that we are totally ignorant and have no idea what we are in for.

Breakfast is rice with 3 hard boiled eggs. No milk or coffee etc is allowed, no salt etc of course. The best thing to do is to mash up the eggs and put them in the rice, and try to eat it that way. It doesn't taste of much, pretty flavourless. Lunch was a burnt piece of chicken with rice and a fast for dinner before the first Ayhuasca ceremony. At 5pm we have to drink another drink from the fermenting bottle of this nasty tasting tree bark which according to the Shamans, 'gets the tree spririts to come and live permanently in my body to keep me healthy' See, who needs doctors? ;o) Again this sounds like as plausable as Santa Claus but anyway lets see...

All the talk in the camp is about visions and spirits and people being possessed. The scary thing is everyone seems to beleive it except me. These people sound like the kind of people you get on these ghost programmes when they basically scare the shit out of each other when all they actually hear is a bump which is the neighbours cat (have you ever seen a ghost on most haunted?? have you?!!!)

At 8 will be the Ayhuasca, in a special large hut called the ceremonial house. There are 6 toilets for 30 people, 2 showers, and everyone has a mattress, a basin to be sick in, a cup of water to gargle away the taste, or to wash the face/mouth, a roll of toilet roll, and a pillow and blanket as it seems its normal to stay there most of the night. I can see that this stuff definately has a strong effect on people (by the crazed look in the veteran psychonauts eyes mostly) but whether it will just be this dmt chemical giving me crazy dreams, or whether it is 'spirits' lets see. Since many of the 'head spirits' appear as specific people/creatures then it will be a good way to prove it as such. At least im finding out the hard way, through my own experience, so i can look a pro/con person in the eye after this and state what really happens.

Its really hot and sweaty here, made even worse by the Shamanic diet, and i need to shower in the cold water (there is no electricity here or hot water)about 4 times a day.

EN EL INFIERNO VERDE!

I Will be offline for the next nine days, as ill go deep into the jungle and there is no electricity there...i'll take pics with my disposable camera. And write a diary of my descent into madness from this Amazonian heart of darkness....

I'm actually quite nervous about this Ayhuasca, as its pretty strong stuff from what i can gather. But thats life - like a rollercoaster, if it's not a wee bit scary somtimes then it wouldnt be any fun ;o) Adios til after 9 days!


(kaye, mum, dont worry im kidding, im in kilmarnock, i'll jump on the bus and be home for tea)