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Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Identifying Uninspiring Twats no 1 - The Coldplay Test

So…we’ve all been there, you find yourself in a place all alone, but then two or three other ‘travellers’ turn up and order some food. Hmm ok theyre speaking the local lingo – possible twats, that’s for sure, especially if you’re in Tibet or some random country. But not definitive. Ok they ordered the Vegan option. Again – probable sign of twatness. In fact 90% sure. But not always, there could be a legit reason, although I cant think of one.

So how do you know for sure and accurately every time that those brand new people who you may find yourself hanging out with are legit and not totally dickwads who you would want to avoid in every circumstance? You know them, or at least you suspect but want to be sure. The guys with ribbons in their beards. Perhaps called Jules or something even more twattish. Maybe with the silly ‘ethnic’ disk earring, squandering a fast dwindling inheritance because they can’t make it in the real world (although actually many of these guys are quite cool) Or, shock horror, they are on their gap yea...

I have found the solution. Ask yourself this – have you, or do you know any man who admits he likes Coldplay – and is not a twat? I mean a slap yourself on the forehead, what a dick, kind of twat? Well, there you go.

So. Be polite. You don’t want to hurt feelings. Even a twats feelings. Why not drop something like ‘yeah you heard the new Coldplay album?’ subtly into the mix? And wait for the response. Then you will know, for sure, if that person/people are worth spending a moment more of your precious time with.

Ok girls of course. You can like Coldplay. You’re girls, you can do anything and we still won’t take you seriously(WHAAT?)

You can cry, shop, emote, wear suntan oil, Play the ‘im a girl’ card. No problem. We’ll still love you, fools that we are. They are a silly manufactured band, invented for to exploit girls.  Like a boyband for people over 25. But if your boyfriend doesn’t understand that, and wants to join you at the Coldplay gig, I’d start checking what else is on the market if i were you….


  1. Alan

    You have just described every BRIT !!!

    Freud and Jung would like you to visit their couch along with these people you observed.

  2. ah, just a coincidence. I bet though the American guy wit a ponytail who was meditating at the top of tehcnotian pyrmaid of the sun WITH A YELLOW JUMPSUIT ON definately listened to coldplay

  3. They are one of the last bands. Damn the 80s were filled with such incredible musicians that its hard to even come close and compare but coldplay is one of the few that can.

  4. look. coldplay are rubbish. If you have ever seen a grown man singing to 'dancing in the moonlight' then you understand the true mediocrity of middle management in south east england. lets stop pretending.

  5. That's toploader not Coldplay

  6. ahh another 'vanilla' band to add to the 'nice guys' list ;o)