One week until Morocco

Well, with less than a week to go before my impending death in the Sahara desert, in the Marathon Des Sables so I thought id share with you the following link from the Darwin Awards. Actually this Badwater Ultramarathon looks like a really interesting race - 32km and the (fit and heatlhy guy about my age) cops it though, great to know just before a 254km race in the desert eh.

I think the first day in the desert will be only 20 odd miles (about the same as this guy went until he died) and believe you me in this kind of heat, water is a big issue (and salt) I understand though im allowed one saline drip without penalty, then any after that you get time penalties.

So no problem then.

Id like to say as Estonias sole entrant, im very well prepared and am training every day and eating properly and so on and so on. But im not, I havent trained for a week, and ill pay the price next week, im sure of it. I'll knock out a 30km run tomorrow and another one in the week and i think that will do it I hope.

Thankfully im stubborn as a mule, and im relying on that to complete the race (that and the bet i have on with Aaron to complete it, although he wouldn't tell me what kind of life insurance he took out in my name)

I particularly like the fact that the whole arab world is kicking off right now, as im stuuck in among 20million 'sand niggers' (is that the correct military term for arabs?) thankfully Algeria is kind of in the way of Libya and Mali. Im growing a beard just in case, and ill bring a blank book saying 'Quoran' on it just in case. (its not a brand of cereal, its the Muslim holy book)  Knowing my luck ill find myself as a suicide bomber in a month or so.

My hardest task this week is to avoid catching a cold (3 days flying this week and didnt get one, miracle!) or breaking an ankle on the ice (yes, here in Estonia its still mid winter, although thawed to minus 5)

I understand that people are bringing factor 50 to this desert - i mean whats the point in being in the desert if you arent going to get a tan? im bringing this carrot oil stuff, so i can look like a raghead when the Taureg insurgents come to kidnap us.

Anyway,i would like to thank everyone who sponsored the charity im raising money for, and to thank in advance DRINK bar in Tallinn for sponsoring me and giving me free fish and chips, and beer, while training.

For those of you who are conspicious by your abscence on the sponsorsheet (i.e  Estonians ) i would ask you to give generously so the world doesnt think you are the mean and miserable Godless bunch (that you actually are, if im honest about it, no offence)

anyway, here is the link if you decide to be characteristically unEstonian and give to this small charity, or you are normal and like normal people donate to good causes now and again. (by the way, Estonians, id like you to show me im wrong here)  thanks!

www.justgiving.com/alan-findlay1

 ok now back to sleep....

Weird weekend in an All Inclusive Resort, and the Pura Vida Poker Cup

I spent my first weekend, and hopefully my last, in the 'Hilton Doubletree 5star All Inclusive Resort' this weekend.

Even the lizards politely beg at the tables here at the Doubletree Resort

There is something very sinisterly 'westworld' about these all inclusive resorts. You get a yellow tag, and if you dont have it, security are up and throwing you out to the streets as soon as can say 'fascism'. Guests are all told not to leave the resort, its dangerous - dont go along the beach as the locals will rob you etc etc. i have no idea why they say this - ok Puntarenas isnt the most beautiful city in the world, but the people are actually quite decent and freindly, like most Ticos. But i suppose stupid American tourists, the brain dead idiots who actually go on 'all inclusive' 10 day holidays and dont leave the hotel area, and actually beleive that they visited Costa Rica, would attract the wrong types like flies to the proverbial....

Taking your life into your hands at the (not really)very dangerous locals beach (actually it was pretty nice)

Anyway, one night i had enough of false smiles and buffet dinners, I decided to walk along the main road to town, and found a different hotel for $17 a night (as opposed to $200 a night for the luxury prison camp) It was pretty basic but anyway if you are looking for a place to sleep, its name ill add in here in a minute with contact details (as i forgot its name just now)

 The next morning I was running along the beach and ended up at the resort. I blagged my way in and said id lost my tag, so they let me in, asking me if i was ok etc etc. of course not beleiving that a whitey would be so stupid to leave the safety of such Utopia.

Actually so the real story of why i ended up in such middle management corporation family hell is that me and a couple of guys from the local (Jaco) Poker Room decided to go in for a $300 entry Poker tournament in that hotel, with the intention of leaving that night after the tournament. We drove an hour up there, and on entry, the gatekeeper told us we had to pay $75 to go in. Of course an argument ensued and we didnt have to pay it, it was just his little scam, but i suppose they dont pay them so much. Anyway, once inside i realised it was a whole event of Poker, with the biggest Poker Tournament in the Costa Rica Poker Calender on that weekend, the Pura Vida Cup (So i tried and succeeded to win enough for the $1500 buy-in, and so thats the reason i stayed there. It was rather surreal - almost half of the players were pasty faced internet Poker professionals from North Europe. so the field was either drama queen latinos (who im sure were cheating) and po-faced Swedish zombie vampires, who seemed to frazzle whenever they hit the sun.

Your truly looking mightily suspicious while counting my money

You can read about the actual tournament here  

(Termino el día 2 del Evento Principal del Pura Vida Poker Cup. Luego de seis horas los 48 jugadores que empezaron el día se vieron reducidos a 16 que volverán a la acción mañana a partir de las dos de la tarde.
El sueco Alan Findlay es el actual líder en fichas con 237,200 seguido muy de cerca por su compatriota Jon Odell con 232,200.
Mañana se jugará hasta definir un campeón, son 12 los jugadores que entran en los premios, distribuidos  de la siguiente manera:)

but anyway, so what started as a harmless bit of fun, ended up going to the 2nd day, when i started at 2nd to chip leader, then onto the 3rd day when i was chip leader and down the final 16 players - now i know why they look like zombies - 14 hours a day of poker, for days on end turns you into a total wreck, physically and mentally. Why the hell do people do that? I must admit though it was immense fun and most of the guys turned out to be pretty decent, although it was a shame to be chatting about some interesting real estate finance thing, and...oops ALL IN and that guy you were talking to, you just knocked him out of the $52,000 first prize tournament and ruined all his dreams for the trip. Anyway by the time the 3rd day came, i was exhausted, not being used to so much poker, so i ended up flaking out about 5pm in 12th Place, i made the prize money at least though, which paid for the trip and more. But the others soldiered on until at least 3am until the game finally was over. And it turned out that for tax reasons none of the Swedes in the final 3 actually wanted to win the first prize anyway....

A bizzare moment in my life, as leader in the tournament- a moment of rare glory. I really had no idea what i was doing

Tonight i joined a local football team, the mighty 'Balcon de Mar' Restaurant team, which by the way happens to be a great bar on the beach to go, especually at weekends when its jumping, and is only locals, no hookers, no wankjob americans, or backpackers called Oliver on their Gap Yah  ;o)

Anyway we humped some other awful team about 13 to 3 thanks in no small part to my silky (but to be honest more) ankle crunching,  skills. Anyway, thanks Chris for introducing me (he's the owner of the Bohio grill, which i will blatantly plug sometime soon

Costa Ricas national side get humped by the giants of Centro de America,  the invincible 'Balcon del Mar'. Note homeless kid sleeping in the subs bench on the left for some reason

And now to bed, as i have a requirement to run a marathon tomorrow, since its 2 weeks until Marathon Des Sable and i havent actually done all that much.

Outdoor Life in Jaco

While it doesnt have a square inch of culture, Jaco does have a lot to do if your into sport and outdoor things.

It even has an active Yoga class, called Aurora Yoga, beside the Wok restaurant on the main street, which i went to last night (in English too!) actually its pretty useful for cross training and is only $5 a session.

Get drunk and try it

There are plenty places for running (all the running stuff is on this amazing link) but personally i prefer just to run on the beach as 1. all the girls can see you and dream 2. The sand is a good running surface and 3. the beach is exactly 5km long, so you can do 'laps' . A girl today told me theres a good trail up behind on the south end of the beach with a good view so ill maybe check that out tomorrow.

Playa Hermosa, makin' it look easy

The surfing here is good for beginners and intermediates - the waves and currents can get quite powerful. I should plug Jaco surf school here (situated right beside Bohios) because they are not only good guys, i got really lucky against one of them at poker the other night ;o)  For more experienced surfers though, Hermosa, just on the next bay is more what your looking for.

Jaco beach running track

Ups its another one of those 'private eye' reading sports fishers

There are also a large number of americans who come for 'sports fishing' , which i understand has some connection with buying cheap hookers and getting drunk in bars with remotely fish sounding names, as thats all i ever see these guys do.

Really, the whole country is full of sport - kayaking, rafting are also all over the place. But one thing i didnt see any of was Chess. I mean, comeon, the place is jam packed with surfers and no chess??? What the hell? A day in Kuta in Bali (which is quite a similar place) would be all about some good food, surfing, a massage on the beach afterwards, and a good game of chess with some random local guy or a chinese tourist (why are chinese so bad at surfing but good at chess?)

Anyway, if anyone in Costa Rica is reading this and would like to challenge me, im up for it, otherwise im declaring myself Costa Rica Chess champion.

Jaco Staying and Eating

Apart from the drugs and hookers Jaco actually has a lot going for it as a base on the west coast of Costa Rica. But im not going to tell you about that in this post - Ill tell you first the basics becuase im late for Yoga.

GETTING THERE
Buses run all the time from the Coca Cola Bus Station in San Hose (be careful there at night) and it takes about 90minutes unless, like now the bridge is closed because of rain.

ACCOMODATION
For budget places to stay,  there are half a dozen hostels in the centre - check out i think its called Bohio street, right in the centre of downtown between the main road and the beach (It has Bohio bar and grill at the end, at the beach, which is busy by day with hard drinking 'sports fishermen' with their purchased by the week 'girfreinds' but does the best Fish Taco ive ever tasted and is famous for it (its about $6)

The guys at the surf school right there at the beach are decent and helpful too and can hook you up with any other things you might need (i.e. tours etc)

Anyway Hostels here are the usual $10-$20 a night and do the job if you are here to be around the beach and the bars for a few days. Also at the top of the north end of the beach, Claritas  is a good budget option.

If you are really broke, then you can camp at the north end too, just be aware of your personal safety - there is a police station on the beach though (quite funny to see - they hancuff drunks to the railings outside!!)

Further up the scale...well i wouldnt know, im a cheapskate ;o) but you can rent a little condo for 2-4 ppl near the beach for $500-$900 a month depending on the size, and a house for $2000. Other than that id recomend better in one of the little resorts along the beach like Morgans Cove or Cocal (both have casinos, bars etc too) for $50-$100 a night, or check out THIS LINK for hotels and so on.

If you want a room for one hour, you can check The beatle hotel  which, not surprisingly is next door to the Beatle Bar on the main road (north end of the centre). As the guide in the link amusingly says 'impromptu romances are not unknown to occur in the Beatle bar' (usually im guessing involving those lovely 'sports fishermen' , some kind of commerical transaction and lasting about one hour)

EATING

The half starved skinhead look always goes down well with the ladies

To eat, unlike the bars here many of the resturants are owned by foreigners so the choice is quite ok. There are the usual mexican/local food joints (both the 24hr restaurants at each end of the town are actually quite good and cheap) and for fish Tacos your best bet is Bohios or Taco Bar which dishes out 2 for 1 flyers every day.
There are even two good Sushi/Japanese places (Arigato is the better of the two, on the main road.) and a couple of steak houses (The aberdeen angus/argentinian steakhouse does a rib eye for $10 4-7pm every day)  The only other two restuarants of note are Pili Pili which would be the place to take a hot date, with well presented food and quite reasonable prices (Jaco isnt cheap to eat mind you)  and Wok, which does healthy and tasty Thai/Chinese stuff. 

If your on a budget theres a Costa Rican buffet which actually looks ok (and has free wifi and $1 coffee) who's name i'll remember tomorrow.

Ok, now ive got the lonely planet crap out of the way, ill tell some more dodgy stories of Jaco in the next post...

The dirty holes, drinking dens and generally seedy underbelly of Jaco, Costa Rica

Well, wise people would say not to write a post when still drunk from the night before, but hey what the hell do they know...

I'll start the tale of little Jaco, by telling you about the nightlife here- Jaco is Costa Ricas surfing and party town-  What a weird and surreal place. After ten days we're still trying to work out the scene here.

There are about 6 bars in town. Im afraid none of them anything special (there is definately a market for a normal laid back surfer/backpacker bar here that plays rock or somthing, not stupidly loud techno music (the Ticos have no culture or conversation so prefer these kind of places )  )

Starting at the north end of town, the famous  'Beatle Bar' is i beleive a 100%  hooker hangout - check my previous blogpost, on Jaco - i havent been there this trip but im guessing its not much different from before. Probably a great spot if your a hulking old moutachiod Texan whoremonger (of these there are plenty here, telling their poor wives they are on a 'sport fishing' trip)

A 'sports fisher' , yesterday, probably somewhere in Thailand

100 metres down the road, The Monkey bar is a bit of the same with some normal people too. I had a surreal moment there the other night after the Loft (which offered FREE drinks on Tuesday, FREE!!! I dont understand it but we sure did take advantage of it) where as i was propping up the bar and struggling to open my mouth, one old woman came in with two beautiful teenage girls and introduced them as her neices. The girls i remember danced around and smiled at me for a bit, and then realised i had no idea what was going on, so after one song the whole troupe upped and left in a big white car. My mate didnt remember this incident (he was more drunk that me even) but i assure you it did happen and if anyone can explain this kind of phenomenon then let me know as with hindsight id have probably married both of those girls that night.

Pimps hand going in to stop us taking a photo of a 'gas cooker' at Ladies night in Hermosa Beach last wednesday. (And no i didnt, in case your wondering!)

...Anyway moving down the main street, south, the bars range in a similar but less hookerish manner along the street with Plankton (which is hooker free but is pretty rubbish) , The loft, and Vibe, being all a kind of normal but with a weird mix of nasty hookers and pimps, surfers, backpackers, and drunk old american perverts, who it looks like get fleeced for their money every time they leave their condo. Also there is a smattering of Ticos (local people) most of them are pretty cool but, like with Russian girls, there seems to be a massive grey area between which girls are on the game and which ones arent. In fact, some of my freinds despite dating these girls repeatedly still dont know. My american (female) freind says its the high heels is the giveaway, and of course some of them are pretty obvious, but the regular girls from what i understand also like to get in on the act if they think there is some money to be made. My experience has only been with the (quite active) local volunteer force, but i guess it may be a case of just asking (or just trying to kiss the girls you love), though the answers can be confusing, ie.

1. 'no, you are ugly and no amount of money will make me sleep with you'
2. 'no, what the hell are you trying here? im a nice girl, and i actually liked you until you just tried to kiss me, but now no way, never'
3. 'yes, because i fancy you and im easy/on holiday/drunk'
4. 'yes, but i dont really like you so give me some money and lets go home'
5. 'yes, for money because im a hooker'

so as you can see, its a real grey area. The safest thing to do, dear gentlemen is to stick to the backpacker chicks, at least they speak english and are actually quite nice. Or just play Poker instead (Coral and Morgans Cove have it most nights)
 

Ok more about the actual town later...

LIFE IN THE SAUNA - PANAMA CITY

Thankyou, Drug users of the world for helping build this beautiful city of Panama

Hell here i am in this crazy hot heat with the whole city dancing to some beat or other. If you ever feel down, tired and like a zombie, then Latin America sure has the vibe to get you feeling moving again. The place is so ALIVE, with chicas shaking their (enormous) booties, taxi drivers peeping their horns and Cariba cariba blaring out of every possible window and car, there isnt a thing to beat these guys for living the party.

Your not a real man unless you pack a piece in Latin America

For some reason, Panama City is often seen as nothing more than a quite boring starting base for the more interesting neighbours like Costa Rica and Columbia. While this is indeed true, and its also true Panama doesnt have the dangerous 'edge' that say, Venzuela and Guatamala has (its still pretty sketchy in the slums at night i can tell you) Panama has quite a few things going for it and id say worth a stay before you move onto the 'real' places surrounding....heres my list for what its worth...

1.       The beautiful Colonial Old Town

2.       A biggish national park just on the edge of the city centre

3.       Pretty amazing drug baron built skyscrapers

4.       The Causeway

5.       The Panama Canal

6.       Loads of Casinos

7.       Offshore Banking/no tax

8.       Cheap beer

9.       Cheap hookers and cocaine

On the Accomodation front -

Crazy Architecture of Panama City

There are quite a few hostels in different parts of the city. La Luna is the most popular and is in the Old Town. However it does tend to be full of twats who don’t leave the ‘relic’ bar there, and speak no Spanish at all. Thing a Latin American version of Khao Sin Road, Bangkok. So if you are a tool, and have no intention of getting into the local vibe,  go there.  The Old town is a bit sketchy at night, maybe thats why people don’t leave there. The other decent option is La Jungla  Hostel in the city centre. You can get a room for about $30 and a dorm for less than half that (all the hostels seem about that price) And they pick you up at the airport for $28. It’s in a much safer area (Calle Argentina, Downtown) right next to the Veneto and Fiesta Casinos, and lots of big hotels. moving more upscale, you'll get a decent hotel room around here/Calle Espana which is the main drag for $50 off season, just walk around and haggle.

1.       The Old town is worth a wander round during the day. I even almost bought an apartment once, it’s a real estate agents dream, with beautiful crumbling Colonial mansions being refurbished everywhere, but nasty looking slums just a hundred yards away. It's a bit of a Gringo incomers place from what i can see – remember that girl from school called Jemima? Yes she just set up a delightful little gallery there. Its THAT kind of place, you know what i mean? You might as well be in Notting Hill half the time. The local rich guys all live in the skyscrapers across the bay – remember Latin Americans really don’t have any culture or love for Old/Beautiful things, hence the tragic lack of decent fine art in South/Central America. Anyway, don’t walk around here at night, unless you are a tool then I don’t care.

More Random Products of Lax Money Laundering Rules

2.      Parque National Metropolitano. There are a few trails around here – I plan to run there tomorrow (i almost died today running in this sauna along the waterfront) as i’m guessing it’s in the shade more. As you can see from the site, it has loads of nature related things. Its walking distance from the Hostel La Jungla and all the other main dontown areas, so worth an afternoon methinks, even if it’s just to see the Iguanas and monkeys. (There are much better opps. In every other part of Central America of course but this is handy if you aren’t going to Manuel Antonio or somewhere nice like that)

3         (and 7) Drugs and Banking - I’td be cynical of me to say that drug money laundered through the very successful offshore banking sector here in Panama is responsible for the hundreds of skyscrapers built here in the last few years (and yes you can buy them with a suitcase of cash if you like) But I can’t help but think that something doesn’t quite add up here.

4         The Causeway - I don’t know why this isn’t on more tourist guides (thanks God) Well if you want to go for a walk, rollerblade, run etc. Then this causeway connects 4 little islands on the edge of the city (not that far away) at the entrance to the Panama canal. Its lined with great restaurants so if you are in a couply mood, then go there and watch the sunset, its quite beautiful and intend to do that tomorrow if i get lucky tonight with a beautiful girl (highly unlikely, i haven’t seen one since i left Estonia !)

5        Panama Canal - heres a  great museum on the canal which i found surprisingly interesting – it tells you how they made it (i really didn’t know how canals worked until that day) and of course how many thousands and thousands died. They played a blinder, as they built it during the great depression so loads of guys from random places like Chicago ended up going to work on it as virtual slaves. In theory thats why there is a big expat community here but to be honest i haven’t met any of them, even at poker last night, except i do see gangs of pasty looking sex touristy types cruising around.

6         Casinos - Ok, Las Vegas is aint,but if you want loud, chaotic carribean style Casinos this is the place. The poker room last night was pretty sedate but the Blackjack tables were crazy. Be aware that the pretty girl next to you who is playing with small change and smiling at you is more than likely to be a hooker.

7         Offshore Banking -Well, even Citi Bank and HSBC are here so it must be legit.

8         Actually i’m not drinking at the moment so i wouldn’t know but by the look of how drunk everyone was last night, it must have been cheap.

Running in the Sauna - Rock and Roll !

9         Cheap Drugs and Hookers - Actually i just threw that in to get peoples attention but its probably true. The casino was choc  full of either hookers or just very friendly ladies last night, and even this morning at the cafe there were quite nasty looking girls approaching  a group of old (embarrassingly) Scottish guys who were drinking beer at 10am Sunday morning. Welcome to the future Alan ;o) As for the drugs, well its not my scene but ill more than likely end up hanging out with some freaks who are into something like that, over the week.

Free Wifi Spots are all round the city....unlike UK

What about food though? Well i must admit i’m not so big on empendas (cheap little pies) beans and rice. My lasagne for lunch today was raw. But there are a lot of Chinese restaurants around so when i find a good place to eat ill add it in here ! (feel free to comment with any recommendations)
ps - tonight ill go to a steakhouse recomended by a guy at poker, so ill fill this part in after i've eaten a few days!

Late Night Philosophy no 136 - Is Eastern Europe an Ugly Mans Paradise ?

Im always amazed how a certain demographic blip can change the whole psychology in a nation, or even a whole region.

I read this article on how the severe lack of eligible men in Latvia and suddenly it all made sense.

Look around you (if you happen to be in Eastern Europe) and you see a big difference on how the women and men look here. Why are the men mostly ugly and the women mostly pretty? Why are there so many more women than men, especially educated women? Why do women have longer hair? (ok ok thats not really part of it)

Well, lets look at this from a logical masculine perspective (since im eating a macho dinner of meat and bread, mainly because i cant cook for toffee)

1. The Baltic region has among the highest women to men ratios in the world (117F-100M in Latvia according to CIA website and 113F-100M in Estonia)
2. To make things worse, there is a severe shortage of sober men wth jobs who do not sleep in their leather jackets
3. Therefor ugly women dont stand a chance in the gene pull unless they 'put out'  and arent too choosy.
4. Most women therefor try to compete for the limited supply of normalish men, (i.e. guys who own a toothbrush, or at least have some semblance of a 'personality')
5. The (many) stunningly beautiful intelligent and interesting women do get a good man, but then leave with him to 'the west' because the local 'spuds' call her a slut for having some self esteem.
6. The remainder have low self esteem, and will even tolerate charmless drunk farmers, just to get some attention, sex, and to hang in there in the gene pool. In fact im reliably informed that often a girl (who would be deemed 'hot' in UK) would only go for 'losers' because they would be scared that if they got a decent guy they would disappoint him and he'd break their heart. Kinda figures.
7. The tragic part is though, as any trip to Nimeta bar will tell you, is that the sad facts of this scenario have already leaked out to the Waiters of Italy, the Car Mechanics of Essex, and the drunk wife beaters of Australia and USA, who, themselves desperate to remain in the gene pool, flock over in budget flights and pretend to the poor hapless beautiful young Baltic ladies of  'Club Hollywood' in Tallinn, that they are for some reason worthy of them (which, as any outside observer can see, they are certainly not)

So if this anomoly of demographics means that the Baltics is a losers paradise, where does that leave the successful, shiny, handsome, mr normal guy with good genes, good job, good health?  If genetically men need to mate with as many women as possible, then the alpha male, here in the Baltics, surely has finally been toppled, as the women it would seem (and can be confirmed by a trip to Levist Valjas bar at 6am) would rather breed with the 'safe bet' of a loser.

If the vast majority of girls here prefer a man with pain, a man with issues, a man with bald head and missing teeth, over a man with a steady income, then the good looking charming rich funny intelligent sophisticated urbane man in the baltics...well,then his choices are severely limited to that 1% of girls with both beauty and confidence, and hes basically in the same position he'd be in back home (so if he can pick and choose back home no problem, then no real reason to come to Eastern Europe then, apart from of course the lovely Church Architecture)

But for that he may as well be back in Stockholm or Edinburgh. At least the beautiful girls there will have a father and mother, and not run off with jobless drunks whenever they hit 30 ;o)