Sauna Etiquette for Non Finns/Estonians/Russians

If the only thing you could hear in the gym sauna today was my palm slapping my forehead, then all would have been well. But it wasn’t. I don’t know, to sit in the sauna today, watching 3 fully grown but plainly dysfunctional men, unable to be away from their i-phones for 5 minutes, bleeping away I could not but despair - Tyler Durton was right, and by the look of the way western manhood is going, he’s getting more right by the second.

Your lack of Sauna etiquette is not your fault, dear Americans. I understand they don’t teach you it at school and you’re too ignorant to read what it says outside the sauna. If it’s any consolation, Brits are just the same (on a less loud/high five level admittedly), when it comes to knowing how to behave in that sacred Baltic Grotto, so I think its time I tell the world a little about how it should be in there…

Ok lets start at the beginning.  The sauna, to take it back to its roots, really is a sacred, serene place in Nordic/Baltic culture. It’s where many babies were traditionally born. Its where business is conducted, vodka drunk, even relationships consummated. But all in all it’s a place where the family, or close friends congregate to relax, meditate, sweat out the bad stuff, and contemplate the meaning of life. In silence – i.e. not sitting tweeting on their i-phones. And definitely not shaving your armpits in front of everyone. Or sitting fully clothed with shoes on.

Ok lets put some bullet points in so next time you go to take a sauna, you know what to do.

1.     Go naked. The point of the sauna is to sweat out your toxins not to dirty your clothes and skin. If you’re in mixed company,  ladies will tend to wear a towel round to protect modesty (although they will get to see your parts, guys, is it such a bad thing?) If you’re with a bunch of guys, sweating and naked, it’s not a gay thing despite your insecurities, unless you’re actually gay, in which case you probably visit a very different kind of sauna. However if a guy gets a hard on, then you probably don’t want to invite him next time. And if the girls don’t towel up, then you’re probably on a promise. Or in Sweden.

2.     Don’t talk loudly at people. Especially not strangers. Ok I understand it’s not easy to shut up for a second, but really, its not that hard.

3.     Actually, don’t talk at all. That’s really not the point of the sauna. You have bars to shout at each other and hug strangers.

4.     Don’t bring headphones, ipods or phones into the sauna.  Apart from the fact that its not very good for them, its also pretty bad manners.

5.     Pour water on the sauna, to increase the humidity and open your pores. Ignore the warnings on American saunas to not pour water on it. They are plainly idiots and don’t know anything, not least the whole point of a sauna.

6.     If you can increase the temperature, do so. This will get rid of unwanted men on iphones. Or at least will break their iphones which serves them right.

7.     I know this sounds hard, but after the sauna, jump in a VERY cold shower, or run out and roll in the snow. The sauna (when you pour water on it) opens the pores, and so the biting cold will close them again, and leave you feeling (afterwards) pretty amazing. Your girlfriend will thank you.

8.     Use birch branches to both waft (to increase the ‘burn’) and to beat yourself or others. You really need to take turns on this – basically lie down and get another to beat you with the birch branch all over. It helps the pores again, makes it hotter, and pretty much doubles the whole sauna experience. If there are no birch leaves, just beat the guy with the i-phone with his phone until he leaves.

9.     You should repeat the hot/cold combination 2,3 even 4 times if you can. Don’t stay out in the snow for more than 5 minutes though. It can feel great, and you want to go to sleep. But that’s because you have hypothermia.

10. Don’t wear shoes and socks in the sauna. It defeats the whole purpose. I mean do I really have to say this?

11. Fat people – sauna does not lose you weight or get you fit. You just lose sweat, which comes back in a few hours.  Fat guy in the sauna today – Please try not to fart in the sauna, it was disgusting.

Ok so now everyone in Western New York is educated on Sauna etiquette, I’m looking forward to going into the sauna next week and having birch leaves waiting and the ultimate zen experience….

Plockton, Skye and the Romantic Highland Dream (or was that Dram)

Every time I visit the north of Scotland I get pangs of wanting to buy a smallholding (called a 'croft') get some guns, grow carrots, and peas, fish and shoot for my meat and scallops, start a cult, and live the dream...

This, believe it or not is 'Coral Beach' on Skye...

this last trip to Skye was no exception...We stayed in the Stein Inn, in the Atlantic(ish) swept Northern part of the island, which boasts one of the most strangely placed palm trees in the world...

Winter isn't the best time for a picnic in Skye...

Touring around the Island, it seems like a good few thousand people have had the same idea. With a population of 10,000 people, there are over 50 artist/sculpture studios open to the public - I mean 50!!! That means one in 20 people here are professional artists. Add their wives/husbands and children into the equation and basically half the population lives on a cottage converted into a studio...

The weird and haunted Quarang, in northeast Skye, where giants fight and eat humans

This is great from a general economic and anti-redneck point of view of the Island, but personally i'm not sure if I want to be neighbours with ponytailed guys from Surrey who name their children 'Slate' or 'Flower', or even worse 'Finlay' (or any other first name second name for that matter) and who's ugly wives keep hitting on me.

Can we make one island, please where these people aren't allowed? I think an island with a '2nd amendment' rule, where guns, gambling, drinking and smoking are legal and untaxed, meat is be eaten by all, trees are not allowed to be hugged, normal pursuits like hunting are encouraged (as opposed to shipping in organic aubergines from Waitrose) and women aren't allowed to speak about things that make them sound stupid (like on football, or economics, for example)

Yeah!!

I've already (in this blog) talked about the lovely (but overpriced) restaurants in Skye selling locally caught food and so on, and Dunvegan Castle, the Cuillin mountains, and the various other pretty cool and haunting attractions of the Island. My next plan is to make a little adventure around one part of Skye where there are no roads and no one lives, on the other side of the mountains. Like a little, wet, cold Shangri-La. I suppose I won't tell you about it now in case you arrive and ruin it for me. Really, loud american accents aren't made for this part of the world, dear friend...

Dont forget your sandwiches!

Ok, thats all for now, (I'm off to the movies...) I'll write more on the beautiful Plockton and the Highlands later in the week...don't forget to send me a birthday present tomorrow!

Tightrope over Niagara Falls

You cant see it here but there were lots of seagulls circling and i'm surprised none perched on his long stick.

So the other day I happened to be in Niagara Falls and someone had told me that Nick Walenda decided to go to Canada - on a tightrope, across the falls.

I wangled a VIP ticket, and sat back and read a book (As the whole thing was actually a lot more interesting to see on TV) but anyway, he seemed to be enjoying it and it didn't seem very difficult at all.

Now i'm in Las Vegas...40 degrees of heat, drunk americans in awful clothes, and possibly the most superficial scene in the universe. I must confess, this is the first time i've been here and haven't only focussed on blackjack (or poker) but apart from a lot of good food, and some beautiful hotels, i'm at a total loss as to why anyone who isn't a gambler would ever go here (the $10 beers perhaps?)


Drunk rednecks stumble - through the heat they totter - giving the finger

Ten Things That Make a Place Civilised

So what makes a city/town/village/row of houses civilised?

Here's my top 10

1. Free Water in Restaurants and Cafes - massive fail for greedy Tallinn Restaurant owners who make sure the staff bring you some expensive Evian when you specifically ask for tap water. But full marks for UK, Japan, USA and even the humble Kanooks for always giving you free water when you sit down.

2. Free Wi-Fi everywhere (including airports) - And the opposite applies. UK especially must be the most backward country in the world regarding this. Most people still call it the 'Interweb' or if you are with BT broadband 'Interwait'

3. Real Originality - Ok im not talking about hipsters walking around looking like zombies and making ironic remarks like on Broadway Market, London (I'll find out if its the same in Buffalo's Hipsta Allen Street tonight)  But a real unique local creative hub that doesn't look to other cities to copy is priceless. Seems to me that smaller cities have this original 'feel' like Osaka, Glasgow, Toronto, Amsterdam, even little old Tallinn, know what i mean?

4. Cheap Living and Tasty Cheap Food - What is the point of a 'cool' area being a place where it costs $500,000 for a studio apartment? All that means is the trend is DOWN. Thats why London and New York are decidedly mediocre these days. If you're in a place where its too expensive for a struggling creative genius to eke out even a meagre living then guess what...all your neighbours are shyster lawyers and dull bankers, and your life may as well no longer exist.  Tokyo has 119 Michelin Starred Restaurants, but...its damn expensive. Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok and Singapore all have great food choices for a quarter of the price. I would get a better steak for a tenth of the price in Buenos Aires than London, thats for sure. And the waiter wouldn't be Eastern European either.

5. Good Bookshops - to spend afternoons in. No further explanation needed.

6. Good Weather - Look, i don't care what you say, but what the hell are these 'lifestyle surveys' thinking of when they put the crappest coldest wettest cities in the top ten? - (here) Helsinki, Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto - why not throw in Anchorage Alaska while you're at it?  All the South East Asian Cities are too humid. Vienna, Glasgow, Copenhagen and Seattle rain all the time. And all the others in the top lists (like Geneva or Barcelona) are too expensive to consider.  So that leaves us with a couple of nice weathered South American Cities like smog blessed Buenos Aires who really deserve to sneak in there.

7. Mixed Race and other Beautiful Chicks -  Ok this maybe a personal bias, but it seems to me that mixed race chicks are almost alway smoking hot. And that adds to the good vibe. Everyone is happy when a beautiful girl is around (hint for beautiful girls - especially if she's making breakfast)

8. Positive Vibe  - Well you can say its just who you hang around with but really, overall some cities just have a good energy. London and New York are great but have a negative grinding vibe, probably due to the massive expense of simply existing there. You know what i mean? Weather says a lot here too.

9. Low Redneck/Bro. Count. - But directly connected to this is the redneck count. I mean don't get me wrong i've been accused of defending rednecks in the past, and in some ways, i do feel for them. I mean we're all white trash when we go far back enough aren't we? But of course to be in a city where the weekend'scene' consists of drunk fighting or thumping hip-hop and DJ's are considered talented isn't civilised. You can tell the redneck/bro count by the number of fast food outlets in a neighbourhood. Hackney used to be a 'Bro' neighbourhood (Black youths looking to relieve you of your wallet/life) and even without seeing anyone you could tell because every shop on every street was either a fried chicken place or barbers shop. Now white English twats called Tarquin eat in the same places when drunk, parking their stolen supermarket trolleys outside. Dickheads are also not civilised.

10. Plenty Sports around.  Ok I know I abuse fat people possibly more than any other group in my blog. (forgive me, I try to abuse everyone fairly and evenly) but really its more because its their own fault. My friend showed me a video today (where she is now a TV presenter, well done!) of Tallinn, and i noticed how everyone is normal looking. Because almost everyone does sport of some kind (or at least the girls live on coffee and cigarettes to stay slim) and they eat normally, and there are few fast food outlets. Then I looked around in Buffalo as a typical US place outside California, and the average person is overweight. Its about 40% diet- since its full of sugar and additives and prozac here. But the most important thing is at least the Opportunity to do some sports. Beaches are good, lakes, mountains, or even non-crappy weather. Then we can all stay outside instead of sitting home playing online poker.

Ok on this basis, i'm packing my bags for Honalulu !

Niagara Falls, Fair City of Fat People and Sex Offenders (and an Angry Waterfall)

The Niagara is kinda cute when its angry

So this time I spent my Buffalo visit staying a rather pleasant and inexpensive guesthouse called wanderfalls  in Niagara Falls, USA, which does private rooms and small dorms (with about 6 people max) for about $25 a night, including pancakes and coffee.  I don't know about you, but I much prefer staying in hostels or some kind of similar thing than soulless chain hotels, so i met some great guys to have a beer with, run, and explore the wonderful City of Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls is of course famous for having the famous waterfall on its doorstep. It's also a working class suburb of Buffalo, which is a surprisingly good looking city (despite an Estonian style climate) If you are visiting Niagara Falls, most people go to the Canadian side, which is much more prosperous and geared up for tourism, with casinos, hotels, big viewing platforms, a much nicer view (of Horseshoe Falls, the bigger falls) and all the cheesy tourist things (you know the 'Ripley believe it or not, the 4d cinema, all that jazz which i've never seen anything interesting about personally)

Another 'what am i doing here' moment

The US side is mostly an industrial town of about 90,000 people, which grew up on the river business, with aluminium works etc. as the main employer. Now a lot of thats gone, the town is based round one large casino hotel, the Seneca, which is actually quite nice, but has sucked the life out of the town itself.

If you're looking for the real 'Niagara' experience, then the main 'life' is on 3rd Street, just off main street between Main Street and the Casino Hotel. Im afraid it's seen better days, but there is a good wine bar restaurant imaginatively named 'Wine on 3rd' some 'fish fry' and pizza places, and a few bars/clubs dotted throughout the street. I'd suggest not walking too far off this street up the street numbers, it's a bit dodgy at night sometimes. This Niagara link tells you more about local eating/drinking options.

So me and one South African guy, no stranger to urban violence, had a few beers in the awful 'Hard Rock Cafe' (there is one of these and also a 'Starbucks' downtown where all the hotels are. Thats about it.)  and decided to hit a club  ('Ultra Lounge' on 3rd Street) for a taste of life in Niagara Falls. There certainly was a selection of ladies, eager to speak to the 'new kids in town' but hell...talk about wide loads! It's a real shame because some of the girls were very pretty, just when it gets below the waist and....woooop it's like a 35 yr old Spanish woman after 5 kids. I don't know what these girls are eating but it looks like its supersize....

I love the water this colour, was tempting to jump in

Anyway, the bars, I can safely say won't appeal to most except those with a taste for redneck men, or the larger ladies, so my clear recommendation is to walk across the Rainbow Bridge to Canada and there are loads of bars and clubs, it's more like a mini las vegas but at least there are a lot of choices. Otherwise head down to Buffalo and either go to 'Bar Street'  (Chippewas St in the downtown) for rednecks, dance clubs, frat girls, under-agers, or the western half of Allen Street, if you crave a more Bohemian/Live music vibe.

About the sex offenders, the owner of the Wanderfalls was nice enough to tell us that Niagara Falls houses the largest number of sex offenders in the region. So maybe not a great place to set up with your young family ;o)

One great saving grace about Niagara is the River. You can run all the way from the falls, along the path, down a few miles to the whirlpool park at the other end of town. The river is majestic. I ran along the path there just after some heavy rain and the anger and danger of the place was tangible.

€25,000 actually gets you a not bad house here (free plug for www.abbotsinchcapital.com )