People I know in London

The funny thing about people in London is they hate to be pidgeonholed. They'd all like to tell you how London life is great, and how (see those facebook photos?!) they are partying all the time, and life is amazing.

This is not what its like. and they can 100% be pidgeonholed - so here we go....

1. They have money but no time (because they work 24/7 in mildly satisfying but fundamentally pointless job) They have no time to enjoy life because they are worrying about losing their job or becoming one of the riff-raff. DONT get into a conversation with these guys about house prices or school fees.

2. They have time but no money (because they have normal or genuinely satisfying jobs, or are students, neither of which can pay the bills in London, never mind going out.) The only social life most of these guys get is protesting against 1, above.

3. If they have time and money, the last place you would want to live in London, so they aren't there.

Ten Things That Make a Place Civilised

So what makes a city/town/village/row of houses civilised?

Here's my top 10

1. Free Water in Restaurants and Cafes - massive fail for greedy Tallinn Restaurant owners who make sure the staff bring you some expensive Evian when you specifically ask for tap water. But full marks for UK, Japan, USA and even the humble Kanooks for always giving you free water when you sit down.

2. Free Wi-Fi everywhere (including airports) - And the opposite applies. UK especially must be the most backward country in the world regarding this. Most people still call it the 'Interweb' or if you are with BT broadband 'Interwait'

3. Real Originality - Ok im not talking about hipsters walking around looking like zombies and making ironic remarks like on Broadway Market, London (I'll find out if its the same in Buffalo's Hipsta Allen Street tonight)  But a real unique local creative hub that doesn't look to other cities to copy is priceless. Seems to me that smaller cities have this original 'feel' like Osaka, Glasgow, Toronto, Amsterdam, even little old Tallinn, know what i mean?

4. Cheap Living and Tasty Cheap Food - What is the point of a 'cool' area being a place where it costs $500,000 for a studio apartment? All that means is the trend is DOWN. Thats why London and New York are decidedly mediocre these days. If you're in a place where its too expensive for a struggling creative genius to eke out even a meagre living then guess what...all your neighbours are shyster lawyers and dull bankers, and your life may as well no longer exist.  Tokyo has 119 Michelin Starred Restaurants, but...its damn expensive. Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok and Singapore all have great food choices for a quarter of the price. I would get a better steak for a tenth of the price in Buenos Aires than London, thats for sure. And the waiter wouldn't be Eastern European either.

5. Good Bookshops - to spend afternoons in. No further explanation needed.

6. Good Weather - Look, i don't care what you say, but what the hell are these 'lifestyle surveys' thinking of when they put the crappest coldest wettest cities in the top ten? - (here) Helsinki, Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto - why not throw in Anchorage Alaska while you're at it?  All the South East Asian Cities are too humid. Vienna, Glasgow, Copenhagen and Seattle rain all the time. And all the others in the top lists (like Geneva or Barcelona) are too expensive to consider.  So that leaves us with a couple of nice weathered South American Cities like smog blessed Buenos Aires who really deserve to sneak in there.

7. Mixed Race and other Beautiful Chicks -  Ok this maybe a personal bias, but it seems to me that mixed race chicks are almost alway smoking hot. And that adds to the good vibe. Everyone is happy when a beautiful girl is around (hint for beautiful girls - especially if she's making breakfast)

8. Positive Vibe  - Well you can say its just who you hang around with but really, overall some cities just have a good energy. London and New York are great but have a negative grinding vibe, probably due to the massive expense of simply existing there. You know what i mean? Weather says a lot here too.

9. Low Redneck/Bro. Count. - But directly connected to this is the redneck count. I mean don't get me wrong i've been accused of defending rednecks in the past, and in some ways, i do feel for them. I mean we're all white trash when we go far back enough aren't we? But of course to be in a city where the weekend'scene' consists of drunk fighting or thumping hip-hop and DJ's are considered talented isn't civilised. You can tell the redneck/bro count by the number of fast food outlets in a neighbourhood. Hackney used to be a 'Bro' neighbourhood (Black youths looking to relieve you of your wallet/life) and even without seeing anyone you could tell because every shop on every street was either a fried chicken place or barbers shop. Now white English twats called Tarquin eat in the same places when drunk, parking their stolen supermarket trolleys outside. Dickheads are also not civilised.

10. Plenty Sports around.  Ok I know I abuse fat people possibly more than any other group in my blog. (forgive me, I try to abuse everyone fairly and evenly) but really its more because its their own fault. My friend showed me a video today (where she is now a TV presenter, well done!) of Tallinn, and i noticed how everyone is normal looking. Because almost everyone does sport of some kind (or at least the girls live on coffee and cigarettes to stay slim) and they eat normally, and there are few fast food outlets. Then I looked around in Buffalo as a typical US place outside California, and the average person is overweight. Its about 40% diet- since its full of sugar and additives and prozac here. But the most important thing is at least the Opportunity to do some sports. Beaches are good, lakes, mountains, or even non-crappy weather. Then we can all stay outside instead of sitting home playing online poker.

Ok on this basis, i'm packing my bags for Honalulu !

Tallinn in Spring, and random Easter blethering

An Estonian Woman, in February

Well, despite the usual death threats, here I am back in Tallinn for the spring. I think Spring is the best tme of year. Ok ok i hear you say. Its already 20 degrees in London and twats there are probabaly wearing some new metrosexual summer cardigans or somthing. And yes, it's already beach weather in Spain. But when you look out the window here, it looks crisp and beautiful. The birds are chirping and singing on the mounds of cigarette encrusted brown snow. And when you go outside, its just when the wind blows that you remember that you should have brought a hat with you.

But the most special thing about this time of year in Estonia, is that this is the time when the women begin to thaw into human beings. During winter they usually wrap up and dont laugh at my (ok ok not very funny) jokes. Or stay home whenever it goes below minus 20. But walking around now, you can a host of beautiful human beings, smiling, doing sport, even God forbid laughing. And its a fine sight, for the time being.

Now that the hell that was the Marathon Des Sables is no longer interfering with my drinking or writing, or attempts to live as a semi normal member of society, I plan to now ignore the fact i have no home for a little time more.

I have however whittled it down though to 5 semi-potentials.

1. London? Yes, good for the biz, lots of old and good freinds there, surprisingly nice weather, lots to do, and the odd interesting person to meet, but generally overpriced city with no imagination, full of self absorbed full of shit rat race twats who pretend they have a life because they drink in shoreditch once a month, or people jumping on whatever bandwagon they may find to pose as 'cool' . Idiots. Living here permanately will turn me to setting up a vigilante movement to inflict violence on a large number fo the population.

2. Glasgow. Yes, my old home, a beautiful city, and a good place and good atmosphere to be a 'creative' type, but borderline parochial and conservative for a freak like me, and my mum would want to iron my shirts every week. Its also likely a mob would lynch me at some point here in the future for my political views.

3. Buffalo - Really where i should be for the next while for the business. And cheap and bursting full of 'artists' But what the hell, id kill myself in a year in a small cold city surrounded by fat rednecks.

4. Tallinn -  Good freinds, good vibe but severe lack of inspiration and that, the sheer tininess of the city, and the fact most Estonians hate me probably has to knock this on the head as a permanant place to live (unless i of course the miracle happens that a girl actually decides to put up with my weirdness and marry me)

5. Tokyo - No reason to be here, im just thinking with my penis.

So basically the jury is out. A common theme seems to emerge connected to my general arrogance and dislike of people of non-genius IQ's here, which isnt good for my long term personal safety. But what do i care, i know what happens when you die anyway and its quite ok.

The becoming a monk for a while in Tibet and learn kung-fu still sounds good but i dont think my libido would allow that to happen - there may be some very sore goats in that monastary after a few months.

Anyway for the short time while the weather is above zero in Estonia, im going to take a cottage in the countryside, to actually focus on this book ive been writing for the last trillion years and actually get it into a publishable format. Then i can actually forget about business and become a whore to writing hard boiled cynical noir cannibal slavery Beethoven inspired fiction, based sadly enough on my own tragically dysfunctional life (except the cannibal part, thats illegal here)

Id like to say here that im fully recovered from the race now, but actually my toenail just fell off so i'd be lying. next stop Arctic Yukon Ultra ! Then I can actually have the immense fun of losing toes, not just toenails...

Kopli Life - Très Chic!

So i've now joined the vanguard of Estonias upwardly mobile community by moving to Kopli. Kopli you could say is almost up and coming. The booze is cheap here (in fact you can buy 'aftershave' to drink here too, and lighter fluid, for those cold winter nights)

I thought that maybe id be walking round, seeing some 'bohemians' and other pioneering foreigners...but, no, its just me and a bunch of Russian alcoholics for now. I walked past the bus stop last night, and a romantic couple were holding on tightly to each other and the bus stop post..awww i though. As i got nearer i realised they were so drunk that moving an inch away from it would mean they would both lose balance and fall into the puddles surrounding them. très chic - Welcome to Kopli !

The weekends are the most interesting. Apart from the 'narcos' who sing 'hallelulah!' walking down the street (al la trainspotting) the characters mostly have a love affair with 'champanski'. Or rather alcohol in general. I'm sure that had something to do with the man standing around muttering in Ristikotu street saturday in his shorts and nothing else. It was 2 degrees. Tough guys these russians.

But fortunately, the good news for potential bohemians who cant afford the newly hip Balti-Jaam (railway station) area, Kopli is totally safe. The criminals are too busy drinking lighterfluid and (for the mornings) these large brown plastic bottles of cheap strong beer, which is the Estonian equivalent of Carlsberg special Brew.

What with the drinking, they barely have time to beat their wives, although i did see some of that on the beach there this summer, ahh the romance of a summers day. Actually the woman was doing more beating than the man in this occasion, get in there! (love tip for you girls, im quite ok with you hitting your men, but dont bite us when making out as it really pisses us off) This is one big plus point of Kopli - there are two beaches. They are however, filled with Russian drunks sunbathing in the their nasty underwear, and groups of feral young guys looking for drunk girls to 'group date' Not for the tourists, not yet...

I was warned about running around here, but i have a great route now along Ristikotu and down one long boulevard, occupied mainly by surprisingly hot russian teenage single mothers and to the Stromi beach. From there you can run your way along parks and paths all the way out of the ghetto. It seems to me totally safe, although if i was a drunk robber, id go for the old ladies, not the nutter dressed like a hobo with running shoes and a backpack. I was actually kind of hoping for a fight though at some point. As fight club will tell you, fighting certainly makes a man feel alive (or dead if it goes badly)

Anyway, im off to USA tomorrow for a few days, and then London. So if you have a penthouse free, and are a beautiful rich girl who can cook, let me know, ill drop by.

HACKNEY, LONDON. AND MOUSTACHE RELATED INVESTING

When i bought my first ever flat in London Fields, back in 1999, the only guys with Moustaches in Hackney were hairy Turkish guys selling kebabs on Kingsland Road. I’d moved up from the then seedy Ironmonger Row in Shoreditch (of the famous Turkish baths), much to all my City Boy Colleagues shock and horror to what was a the time the ghetto front line. (they now all live here) Broadway Market E8 was a typical East End high Street, with the Cat and Mutton, a pretty dodgy boozer with a pool table and a bunch of kebab shops, greasy spoons, and vacant boarded up shopfronts. There was one art gallery there, owned by a cantankerous but very proud old guy who hated me for some reason and ruined one of my paintings.

Moustache Pioneer, Venezuala

However, I could see all the seeds in place for a textbook gentrification – At the time there lived a pretty messed up mixture of Blacks, Vietnemese, Turks and Hasidic Jews, none of whom liked each other particularly, along with a few cockneys, looney lefties and starving artists. Although it was dangerous enough, too dangerous for English people, the architecture in the area is great and the area was obviously posh 150 years ago. The most important seed was that there was an established community of artists and general crusties, living in squats and setting up some pretty crazy gigs and raves in abandoned buildings around. It’s also slap bang in the centre of London and while at the time the tube was a far off dream (opened this year), you could still walk from Shoreditch to the City in 15 mins.

Fast forward two years to 2002, and Shoreditch in particular really started to move. Despite being a total shithole. There was a whole bunch of crusty bars, the most famous being ‘333’ or ‘The mother bar’ which, along with the White Cube gallery opening on Hoxton Square were true catalysts that helped Hackney become the coolest part of London bar none. I’d bought as many flats as i could by then, then bought the then totally fucked ‘Bikes on Broadway’ shop at 73 Broadway Market, which i can now proudly say is the offices of Findlay Property Investment (website here if you want to rent a flat or invest or simply talk to nice Estonian girls in London) We kept the bike wheel, i cant remember why. Theres also some random neon bike sign upstairs, it was just too much hassle to take down, but i'd like to think it was our part in 'creating' the vibe there.

Broadway Market - Trustafarian Dickhead Central

The big turnaround in 2002 for Hackney, in my book, oddly enough – the defining moment if you like, was the opening of ‘dream-bags&jaguar-shoes' in 2002. They just got a shoeshop in Kingsland Road and threw in a bar and hey presto!! Every bar in the area was stowed out by that time with everyone thinking they were onto the coolest thing in town – you didn’t even get mugged in Hoxton Square anymore. There were bars everywhere, strangely enough mixed in with Strip Bars for the City Boys (where i used to have lunch i must confess) and thankfully houses prices were going through the roof thanks God.

Moustache HQ, Shoreditch, Hackney

However, if you walked up Kingsland road towards Dalston, a few hundred metres though thats where the real action was – there was a dodgy Russian bar called the Wolf and Rabbit, and a Black club which overnight turned into a Russian club (ahh Oksana from Lvov i’ll never forget you! ) You never knew what was going on in that dodgy looking warehouse where the noise was coming from – people would have punk gigs in their squats, striaght out of 'the young ones' and id usually end up in one underground all night bar (whos name i cant tell you) The owner i’m sure was a police informer, as every character under the sun was hanging out there looking shady. Every now again a big group of strange gangsters would come in, well dressed and looking like pro football players (they were big movers in the Heroin business ) would be well spoken and polite, and would all introduce themselves (all 6 of them) by the name of ‘Fletch’ Ive no idea why. The Turks run the heroin business in London, the would tell you and they were ‘in construction’ To add to the real life ‘snatch’ effect, they had some lovely illegal Ukranian girls working there, poor lambs.

Some parts of Hackney are yet to Gentrify (note lunchtime can of Carlsberg Special Brew)

Walking round today the place has totally changed. The tenants are much better for a start, and i don’t find guns in tenants wardrobes any more. Broadway market and London Fields are now THE destinations to be at in London. Its full of restaurants book shops and wanky galleries. There a bike shop cum cafe. There a guy on a monocycle cruises around. There are guys with stupid looking moustaches.

There’s good and bad to this gentrification – on the plus side, i’ve seen and met some great looking girls in Hackney, something you’d rarely see back in the day (except our staff of course but they were Estonian and Japanese imports) but on the negative side, it seems to now be full of twats. For example, here in Jaguar shoes, there are 3 guys with moustaches, including the waiter. The moustache count has reached 20% - which to me means time to sell up. Hackney has now peaked and become so cool its full of total tossers. So i’ve been to Foxtons and put all my places here up for sale. Buffalo i didn’t see a single moustache – a great buying signal if i ever saw one !