The fate of Dogs - Korea and Japan

Eating their pets - Korean Dog Butcher

I notice that the Japanese and the Koreans have a slightly different attitude to their dogs. Koreans eat theirs. Japanese treat theirs a little differently. I don't think i agree with either.

Osaka dogs today - very happy not to be getting eaten any time soon

My friends here were even surprised that you don't find Dog clothes shops, Dog hairdressers, and Dog restaurants in Europe (or do you and i just missed them?)

Dog Restaurant - note, Japanese Lady taking her Dog...for lunch.

Dog fashion, Tokyo style

It seems Dogs in Japan are basically surrogate children for couples who either can't afford children or can't have them. No wonder they're dying out.

There is something eerily dysfunctional though about grown men walking around with dogs dressed in clothes, sitting in pushchairs all day.

Spirit of Japan. Tame wild deer. Ready to eat silly spoilt Dog.

Anyway, i can't say that Western Society is perfect, and there are a great many good things about Japanese culture (like no crime, good manners, honesty) but i mean come - on. 

Whales, Eels, and Silly High Heels

So today I had lunch in a famous Eel and Whale Restaurant, in Asakusa, which is famous for...well Eel and Whale meat. Asakusa is the old temple area in Tokyo - a bit of a tourist trap, where you can buy replica Samurai swords (you know they're replicas because they don't cost 40,000 Euros) , Kimonos, overpriced postcards, and those little waving cats that girls in Estonia like.

Me pretending I know how to use chopsticks, while Naoko is about to add the flavour  for the Eel, that i was supposed to put in at the start.

You eat the Eel from a special hot pot in the middle, and add sauce and vegetables to let it cook as you go. It kind of tasted like Sardines to be honest, but tasty nevertheless.

The Eels, looking suspiciously like fat and healthy sardines

A liberals bleeding heart just as i was about to eat it (Actually its Whale Sashimi)

Of course I also ate the Whale. Pretty tasty, a bit gamey, even meatlike. I started with Whale Tempura, which tasted a bit like beef jerky, but was nice enough. The whale sashimi was everyones favourite though. It tastes a bit like fat strong flavoured Tuna - Venison is to Beef like Whale is to Tuna, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I understand that the more unstable bleeding heart emotional and nieve people among you will be frowning that i ate whale. But i don't care, it tasted quite nice. And to be honest, just like with Bullfighting, i've never heard a logical, sensible or moral argument against eating whalemeat, i'd love to hear one that doesn't involve silly things like

'They are magnificent animals how can you eat them' - comeon, you don't eat cockroaches or rats because you think they're ugly. I mean are you only supposed to eat 'average looking animals'? silly girls.

'They are deep thinkers and intelligent' - so are pigs. Incidentally i also don't buy the argument, sadly pedalled by Ayahuasca shamans that pigs have 'dense energy' and aren't healthy. Who are the biggest Pork Eaters in the world? Denmark and Hong Kong. Who are the smallest? I suppose probably Israel, Iraq, Iran...Afghanistan. Say no more. Give me more of those smart animals to eat !

East meets West - you see this a lot. Beautiful Old Japanese House beside....Macdonalds. Yin and Yang!

However, I digress....we then ended up in the Kimono Festival in Ginza. Kimonos! If only every girl wore one, every day. Then i would definately wear my kilt every day as a sign of respect. Its quite  a beautiful thing. Anyway here is a photo of me with 2 beautiful girls who spoke perfect English and blushed a lot.

Beauties and the Beast

About the high heels....well more about that later....Now to Osaka!

BANZAAAII !!! Japan Adventure

Actually the song ‘turning Japanese’ is about masturbation rather than Japan, but now I have your attention, chicken choker or not, I would like to tell you about one of my favourite places in the world.

From the cover of the totally out of date and
aimed at socially inept 19yr old virgins - 'Lonely Planet' (which doesn't even have a single entry for 'zen' in the JAPAN guide - speaks volumes)

Yes, yet again I’m here in the land of the ‘delivery health’ service, Metro train gropers, fish that clean  your hands, and of course the gadget covered and heated toilet seat - Japan.

So first morning, I was exhausted.  After a sleep free night playing Poker in London (to pay for my spending money here), and Leaving at 9.50am from Heathrow and arriving without much sleep in Tokyo 11am the next morning, I was pretty tired. After a quick airport Katsu Curry (future wives please take note, that’s my favourite dish and its really easy to cook I heard)

Waiting for the big one - Earthquakes are actually pretty common here, but take a bit of getting used to

I recommend staying at the Akusaka Weekly Mansion by the way, its not so expensive, self catering, free wifi and great location in Akusaka which is a posh place next to Roppongi (the bizzare and dirty foreigner town) More on the areas of Tokyo later though.

Anyway, I’ve already messed up once, and slept through my alarm to go to a Summer Festival north of Tokyo with a really nice couchsurfer (sorry, I’ll make it up to you!)  It’s a shame it sounded actually pretty cool. That’s the good thing about couchsurfing, you can land in a place and quicker than you say ‘unreliable guy with jetlag’ you can have a bunch of new friends and cool things to do.  And surprisingly I haven’t met any weirdos on it at all. (which is not what most couchsurfing friends say since they have met me)

Japan is a Pot Noodlers Dream 

Now its 7am and, since I slept from 1pm to 4am (I was woken by an earthquake, I kid you not!) I’m feeling fresh and ready for the crazy day ahead. There’s always something weird and unexpected happening in Tokyo. I’ve had many a ‘quiet night writing postcards in Roppongi Starbucks’ which has ended the next afternoon in a Romanian Strip Bar. But this is a family blog so less said the better….today I’m off somewhere about 2 hours out of Tokyo, to my old friend and colleagues friends BBQ. Of course I’ll be the only foreigner but it will be good fun. Naoko is a future famous generipper and inventor of man eating plants who make quality electronics goods (it’s the kind of thing I imagine Japanese gene biology people invent at least) ok ok I’ll ask when I see her.

Everything you need in Tokyo at 7am except a beer

Since I’ve been here 20 times before and my Japanese is still awful, I’m coming armed with audio-books in my kindle and ‘japanese from zero’ which had been languishing on my bookshelf (or rather kadi-anns bookshelf) for 3 years or so already. This is my favourite country outside Scotland, so I really should learn the lingo (since no one else speaks ‘Engwish’) ;o)

Tonight I’ll get up to Tokyo Dome, home of ‘thunder dolphin’ rollercoaster, to completely fix my jetlag, and ‘la qua Spa’ which is where I should have gone yesterday instead of paying for a hotel as you can basically live there indefinitely (more on this place later, as were going to ‘the biggest spa in the world, ‘spaworld’ in Osaka so will be good to compare)

The plan in for the next 2 weeks get a bus down to Oskaka and Kyoto, with my good friend Minako, then I’ll have 5 days in Tokyo (which may actually turn into 3 days in Macao as I’d really like to check it there)

Ps- did you know that many apartments in Japan miss out 4 and 9 because the word for four (shi) also means death and 9 (ku) means suffering?  Superstitions eh - Kind of silly. 13 is my favourite number and it never did me any harm (because I’m left handed I think)

Latvians are normal, Norwegians are not human.

I've plainly been brainwashed in Estonia about Latvians. Here are the myths with how it really is....

MYTH- Latvian girls are all hookers
Truth - Actually this might be true. They certainly dress that way, and when i asked random girls in bars to buy me a drink, they weren't so interested to speak to me. But if i made out i was thinking to buy a bottle of 'champanski' then they were my best friend all of a sudden (this, I may add was in a Russian club, God bless them, the worlds natural born prostitutes) However, i'm not sure if Latvian girls either wear leopardskin dresses or dance in front of mirrors alone.

MYTH - Latvians are all crooks who like to rip off Ryanair stag party tourists in strip bars
Truth - Actually this may also be true. Except this weekend i did meet a number of quite decent Latvians who are totally normal and who understand the concept of business (not 'bizness' as the Porche Cayenne driving Mafia would tell you about) and the general normal concepts of society. Actually really cool people. This wasn't in a Russian club I may add. I did meet a great Russian taxi driver who tried to do me over, but fortunately accepted my doing a runner as me not accepting paying 20 Euros for a 3 Euro fare.

MYTH - Riga is full of drunk English Ryanair Stag Parties
Truth - Actually.....this may also be true. Despite Riga being a genuinely beautiful city with really decent people as i found out this weekend, i'm afraid to tell you that, If you meet a group of English guys in Latvia - they are there, like in Tallinn, for the cheap booze and cheaper women - how to test it? well....for fun, ask to speak to 'Dave'  - there is ALWAYS a guy called Dave in the group. If there isn't, they are certainly not English, certainly not a Stag party. Dave, I think you can gather stands for something like 'Dickheads Abroad, Very English'. Or something like that. And he will explain everything. Every group has a 'DAVE' even if he isn't called Dave.

Ok ok, there is another post on this blog, with some normal things about Riga...ill post it up here soon.

About the Norwegians - I had a very international weekend, mostly with some cool Frenchies  (hello if you are reading) whom I drank heavily and played poker with and, strangely enough a Norwegian Stag Party in Riga this weekend.
anyway i found out from these, quite decent but sadly Norwegain guys that it seems that if you rape someone (guy or an animal, or a girl) in Norway, you get 4 years in Prison. If you get caught playing Poker, you get 5 years. Speaks volumes about the feminist trust fund socialist state that is Norway, really, and kind of explains why they breed the kind of people they do.

Mean Moody and Magnificent - The West Highlands and the Isle of Skye

View from Sleat, Skye across to the mainland. Here it's possible for it to rain and be sunny at the same time.

I'd forgot how beautiful the Scottish Highlands are. We took the road North from Glasgow, up the west side of Loch Lomond. It begins to get 'highlandish' about halfway up the Loch (Mainland Britains Largest if i remember correctly) when you see Britains southermost Munro (hill over 3000ft), Ben Lomond, across the water.

Eilean Donan Castle, just down from Kyle of Lochalsh

After an initial baptism into the scenery, things take a turn for the better when you pass Tyndrum, and the haunting Rannoch Moor, which flows into the more haunting Glencoe, scene of the famous massacre of the McGregors by the Campbells, and of a million other battles, including that in the opening scene in Highlander. A road, a railway and the West Highland Way all funnel through here, and suddenly your in the highlands proper, hitting the sea along the road that leads to Fort William.

The Church at Glenfinnan (probably haunted)

Fort William itself is nothing more than a functional tourist town, full of sameish restaurants and hotels, tourist info. and of course surrounded by beautiful lochs and hills. There are a couple of dodgy nightclubs too. Less said about Fort William the better.

On the way to Mallaig (for the ferry to Skye) you pass Glenfinnan, which has the famous Jacobite Monument, an amazing view, and of course the Glenfinnan Viaduct, which is where Harry Potter always seem to cross on the train. Actually this whole trip was voted the most scenic in the world twice in a row now and i'd definitely recommend it (the West Highland Line goes from Glasgow to Mallaig, which is where the ferry to Skye is.) The Ferry is £29 one way for a car by the way, but only £4 or so by foot.

Menacing Skye

If you go the other way to Skye, by road (its free) then you have a different treat. The scenery is great, but the highlights are the famous Eilean Donan Castle which you'll recognise from Highlander, Loch Ness, and one recent James Bond film. The Skye Bridge itself gives you an amazing view too, well worth walking over if you have a chance.

Menacing Sky

Skye however was a different league altogether. Every corner you turn, a scene greets you straight out of a postcard. Here's a quick guide -

SLEEPING -

Every second house is a Bed and Breakfast, so this is not an issue.  You can book a place in advance at any tourist info (i.e. in Glasgow for example) You can also camp which is probably a much better fun option than a hostel, and cheaper. We stayed in the Ardvasar Hotel, (better known as the Edgar Savisaar Hotel) just 800m left from the ferry terminal. Breakfast ended at 9.30 which was annoying and in true country style, the internet didn't quite reach the rooms. The Isle of Skye is bigger than you might think so i'd recommend a place more centrally located if you want to explore the whole island - for example near Portree would be perfect, or the hotel Sligachan (which also has a campsite/caravan place, restaurant etc etc and for some reason a little house for the Order of St John (where they secretly plot world domination from the lee of the surrounding Cuillin Mountains)

Anyway, the location is basically right in the middle of the Island, surrounded by the Cuillins, just south of Portree, but easy to drive to other sights like Dunvegan Castle etc etc.  Its also a heart stoppingly beautiful setting, with the river and loch, and dark brooding mountains threatening to eat you every time you look up.

Random View to the mainland

EATING -

Skye is, surprisingly a foodies delight. Seafood restaurants are all around, and there are even two curry houses and a chinese. The most well known restaurant is the three chimneys  - it also provides 5 star accommodation. Its the most surreal place i've ever seen. We took a single track road up, left as you enter Dunvegan - pass the fire station/hut and you're going the right way. It was a deserted road for 4 miles or so, then suddenly here we were, at the highest rated restaurant in the North - which was basically a pretty little cottage. It was empty but of course was fully booked for the £60 a head dinner- you must phone in advance to book, otherwise it's impossible. but i've heard the food is amazing. The menu is all about fresh local stuff, mostly seafood, which is tasty. The weird thing was that not a single person was around, apart from one weird rich looking old American Baldy, who turned up with his pretty female companion of half his age (ok ok i can't really criticise this scene except that i'm not bald and look poor)

If you can't get in there and want a similar experience, the Old School in dunvegan nearby is also pretty good and has the same fresh seafood gastrovibe, is full of American tourists who have never eaten fresh food before, and is a wee bit cheaper (not much)

The road to the permanently fully booked 3 Chimneys (with tomorrows lunch on the right)

On the other side of the Island is the famous Michelin Starred Kinloch Lodge where you can also stay for some Oligarch level price per night.

Apart from that there are loads of chip shops, and random pub food style places for £10 a head in Portree, or any hotel (Broadford has a hot dog stand and only one or two quite ok Restaurants.)

DOING -

Well why did you come to Skye?

Most people come for either outdoor life or a romantic getaway. Its most certainly one of the most beautiful places i've been to, even when it rains. I was sitting in a cafe (in Struan, its pretty and has a bookshop, so jump in if you have a chance) drinking my £1 cup of tea. And looked out the window and there, like something from Narnia, is a giant waterfall flowing off a cliff into the sea. Surreal is not the word (actually it is the word, why do people talk like that?)

View from the Old Man of Storr, just before the Goblins attacked 

So for the walkers, hillwalkers, and climbers - The Old Man of Storr is an easy 30minute climb and you get an amazing view (mine was of a thunderstorm on one side and sunshine on the other) It's just north of Portree, in fact you can even see it from there, so drive 15 minutes north and you're there. It was quite busy when i went, it felt rather weird to hear accents and languages from every corner of the world in this random and remote place (we heard Estonians, Finns, Aussies, Americans, Koreans, Spanish and French, plus of course the Ubiquitous Germans)

Further north of there is the even weirder rock formations of The Quiraing (pronounced like Kerrang!) which are a bit more testing but quite fine and great if you wan't to pretend you're on a green version of Mars.

The main mountain range though are The Cuillins , where you can do some real stuff with ropes and not wearing flip flops (which is what most people walking up the Storr would do)

What else to do ?

You can visit  Dunvegan castle in North Skye, it's quite interesting although i'd say not worth the £9 entrance fee, unless you wan't to chat with the Laird, a youngish, kind of Highland Hugh Grant sorta guy. The Gardens are beautiful though, and you can get a boat to hang out with some seals (which i did 25 years ago when i went. My main memory is of my Mum moaning at me all the time to keep in the boat as i was hanging out to touch the seals.)

There are also a whole load of trips and guides around. If you're safely ensconced in a hotel they can help. Randomly there's a reptile centre and a (more apt) Sea Eagle centre. There are a million untouched beautiful beaches nearby (especially check south of Mallaig)

Theres another castle open - Clan Donald Castle beside the Ferry terminal in the south of Skye. They were the arch rivals of the Macleod's and trounced them in the Battle of Coire Na Creiche  which by the way, was the battle at the start of 'Highlander' , although it was filmed in Glencoe and the Castle Eilan Donan. It was also the last battle on Skye.

WEATHER - ahhhh one other thing. It never gets really cold here - It's on the gulf stream and you even can see the odd palm tree (add to the surrealism of the place) but be warned. It never gets really warm either. And it rains every day. I have never been to Skye and it hasn't rained at least once. It can be
raining and sunny at the same time too, which is mighty strange.

Ok im off to Japan soon, so more later!

Kiev Public Russian Baths

you can't beat spa's and saunas round the world.

So, as all the various Kiev art galleries were closed for the holiday (thanks guys) we sought out the Central Public Baths which is ...


Tsentralni Torgovi Lazni (Central Public Baths)

3A Mala Zhitomirska, 278-0102.

Open Tue.-Sun. from 8 a.m. till 10 p.m.

It's a broken down looking building just up from the main independence square (the right fork where Macdonalds is) You can see it because an old man is selling birch branches outside. Anyway, of course, like everything in Kiev its woefully badly signposted, so i'll save you the trouble of wandering around the whole building and tell you its upstairs on the top floor, through a pine looking door. When you get in, the  entrance hall looks like a pretty dodgy bar in some Godforsaken part of Russia (which it is, if you spoke to certain opinions on the matter)  So the guy there sells the tickets, the vodka and the beer. And dried herrings, if you want them.  Im afraid there is the 'foreigner premium' we paid 120 thingies each ($12) for a VIP changing room next to the bar. Its 100 thingies for foreigners in the main bit but the real price is 40 so try to get near to that. The guy with the beard pockets the difference, i'm afraid.

So we got a sheet for some reason (no towels) and in i went wearing it like a kind of toga thing. The whole thing looks like some Soviet style Cannibal Abbatoir. The first room was full of the most grotesque looking humans lying prostrate on stone slabs, some with steam coming off them. 

going through there is the shower room, with various basins you can use and cold showers. Then to the heart of the beast....

The sauna was old school, ugly, ancient and dirty but still functioning exactly as it should. Like a 1930's Lada. Or a 1930's Russian woman (since 1930's Russian men are all dead)  These massive saunas, being inefficient, are pretty dangerous. Its quite cool at the bottom, but as you just go up one level, the heat is unbearable. As we arrived the guys were in the middle of cleaning it out, and putting water into the stove. So you'd be sitting there minding your own business and phhhhooooaaa  the heat comes down and almost drives you unconcious. 

Like it's been since time immemorial, enormously fat Russian guys beat each other with the branches at the top, you get a great cleanout of all that vodka red bull from the last 3 nights party, Mafia guys covered in tattoos plot their plans and the deaths of their enemies, without earshot of prying ears and eyes, and all is good in the world.

A burn for 15 minutes, then a short cold shower and cooloff, and a beer, about 3 times, is about fine here. I must say that this isn't something for tourists though, i'd say it was even a little scary for some foreigners i know - Banyan Tree it ain't, its even a lot dodgier than Clapton or Bethnal Green Russian Baths.  But, sure if hanging out with enormously fat naked old men is your thing, then get yourself down there. 

Kiev tips and Pointers (and pointy shoes)

Kiev really wasn't what i expected though. It's changed a lot from the wild east days - hardly anyone packs a piece here anymore. (I do wonder where the 'every man has a gun' cutoff is nowadays...maybe Uzbekstan?..theres a thought for another story. It used to be anywhere east of Poland)  So here you basically have a normal emerging market with normal young people who, despite some serious dress sense issues, are quite ok, have dropped the 'uberspud' mobster role models, and want to look outwards at the world with a smile.

Getting there

Get the bus from the airport, its quite easy so i don't have to explain it. It takes you to the main train station at the edge of the centre - you can walk, get a cab, or metro from there where you need to go. (taxi from airport is about 230 locals currency, if you get a normal cab its 140 - or $14 odd)

Kiev (Pechersk Lavra)- These guys plainly had something going for them at one stage

Sleeping

So anyway, arriving at Kiev, where to stay? there are 3 main hostels that I checked out. Kiev Hostel on 5 Pushkin street (see here for list of Hostels) was actually pretty good and clean and cheap and well located. We also stayed at 'One step' just round the corner which was pretty ok too, despite some freaks staying there, like a guy who washes his hands every 30 seconds. And German families. Only Germans would bring their families to a hostel in Kiev for their summer holiday. But they do a pub crawl every night and have really nice staff.

 The weirdest place, which i suggest you avoid is 'Really Central' Hostel. Which is quite ironic as its impossible to find. If you are looking for it by the way, its hidden at the block behind where its supposed to be, you need to go under some underpass and up some stairs. If you look hard there is a small paper sign giving you a clue it exists. We got there though eventually and there was no staff there at all (even after waiting 30mins) and some kind of messed up French Canadian semi hooker crackhead chick turned up and started asking us for money. In the hostel hallway. The place was small and stuffy and smelled bad anyway.

Best thing to do is contact kiev apartments and you can get an apartment for really cheap in the centre, on a daily basis. It was $68 a night for 2 of us in a 2 bed place.

Kiev itself isn't so cheap. Anyway here are the basics -

Food -
The best food we ate was in 'Buddha Bar' but its pricey. That's pretty much the same all along the main street. I ate in 'Mafia' too, which had tiny portions and no potatoes for some reason. Theres a good middle market Japanese chain called Mirakami. But basically, if it looks glamourous, it will be overpriced but good food, and if it looks Soviet, it will all taste of cabbage no matter what you buy.

Drinking - 
You know, if you're looking for a shag with a random chick and don't really care what age she is or what she looks like, then go to Vodka Bar (on the main street, at the main square) or Shooters (get a taxi) they are busy every night pretty much, and are Kiev's versions of Tallinns Nimeta bar, full of lithe teenagers eager to pounce on unwary good looking charming foreigners. Shooters is owned by a Scotsman and the staff bizzarely all wear kilts.

If you happen to have taste, then your options are more limited. There are numerous glammy places with swish names, you know the usual Eastern European moneytrash pits, but they aren't much fun unless you are fat and bald and like beautiful hookers (who i understand from other blogposts can fall in love with you for $300 a night, dear fat bald guy)

The best all round area to go for nightlife is probably the Arena area. We started off (luckily with pals who live here) in a nearby place called Ikon, which is quite sophisticated for Kiev, if it wasn't full of expats and the usual smattering of young models. Anyway, our models wen't to Arena, a place called 'Mantra' which looked quite good if you like las vegasy clubs. I decided not to pay 30 Euros entry and went to 'Piggy' next door which was great - good retro music, more studenty, free entry, lots of very drunk but normalish people, a bit more of an artsy vibe. Anyway the atmosphere was great and there may have even been some drunk pogo dancing in there one night last week....

There's also Arena in there which is more for the fat bald hooker lover category, i understand.

The other option in Kiev are the Irish Bars - Golden Gate, O Briens, and Lucky Bar. Full of foreign blokes drinking beer and playing pool if you like that kind of thing. And girls who like to marry foreign guys, if you like that kind of thing.

And finally if the above is not enough and you want real up to date info. check my pal Vijai's site kiev tonite which gives up to date reviews on all the cool shops, bars, clubs, restaurants, hotels...you name it, in Kiev.

Independance Square, Kiev

Sights -
Tourism in Ukraine is not set up for the benefit of tourists. This is an ex soviet country remember. There are lots of beautiful churches, you can get a boat ride down the river, and there is a lovely statue on the hill. As or Art Galleries and museums, forget it. We tried all weekend, but they were either closed for the holidays (i.e. the times when people might like to visit them) or were closing so a babushka wouldn't let us in anyway.  The other option is to get stitched by the main tourist thing - go to Chernobil. You don't even have to wear a suit anymore, you can go on your own, and it looks pretty boring. And the tour package normally costs about $200 for the daytrip.  You can also shoot AK47's .

Annoying things.

Ukranian Police solving crimes

Police -
true to form, Ukranian Police are your worst enemy here in ex-soviet land. Always bring your passport with you - They actively seek out foreigners, especially drunk ones, and especially at night, in order to extract bribes from you (i saw some guys hand over $200!) Anyway, if you see any, best cross the street - they're at best a nuisance and at worse can ruin your holiday.

Drunks and Robbers -
They aren't nearly as dangerous as the police but they still roam about in gangs, especially at the underpasses in the centre at night. Usually they are too drunk to do much damage and (as my friend found out could possible be good fun as punchbags) Anyway the main thing to bear in mind is that the Police are not on your side here so don't bother with them.

Shoes and Clothing -

See previous post. I always encourage travellers to 'go ethnic' when visiting a new country. DO NOT FORGET to go to your local charity shop and buy a pair of white pointed leather (even better crocodile skin) pointy shoes. Slip on's are preferred here. If you can't find a pair, just steal your dads old Golf shoes.  But don't be surprised if people start talking to you in Ukrainian or Russian. Or if they have watched Borat, Khazakstani.    You are still likely to be turned down from the more trendy clubs if you aren't wearing a cream suit, or perhaps one of those nasty purple shirts that pass for fashion in places like Munich or Brisbane, so don't say you weren't warned.