Plockton, Skye and the Romantic Highland Dream (or was that Dram)

Every time I visit the north of Scotland I get pangs of wanting to buy a smallholding (called a 'croft') get some guns, grow carrots, and peas, fish and shoot for my meat and scallops, start a cult, and live the dream...

This, believe it or not is 'Coral Beach' on Skye...

this last trip to Skye was no exception...We stayed in the Stein Inn, in the Atlantic(ish) swept Northern part of the island, which boasts one of the most strangely placed palm trees in the world...

Winter isn't the best time for a picnic in Skye...

Touring around the Island, it seems like a good few thousand people have had the same idea. With a population of 10,000 people, there are over 50 artist/sculpture studios open to the public - I mean 50!!! That means one in 20 people here are professional artists. Add their wives/husbands and children into the equation and basically half the population lives on a cottage converted into a studio...

The weird and haunted Quarang, in northeast Skye, where giants fight and eat humans

This is great from a general economic and anti-redneck point of view of the Island, but personally i'm not sure if I want to be neighbours with ponytailed guys from Surrey who name their children 'Slate' or 'Flower', or even worse 'Finlay' (or any other first name second name for that matter) and who's ugly wives keep hitting on me.

Can we make one island, please where these people aren't allowed? I think an island with a '2nd amendment' rule, where guns, gambling, drinking and smoking are legal and untaxed, meat is be eaten by all, trees are not allowed to be hugged, normal pursuits like hunting are encouraged (as opposed to shipping in organic aubergines from Waitrose) and women aren't allowed to speak about things that make them sound stupid (like on football, or economics, for example)

Yeah!!

I've already (in this blog) talked about the lovely (but overpriced) restaurants in Skye selling locally caught food and so on, and Dunvegan Castle, the Cuillin mountains, and the various other pretty cool and haunting attractions of the Island. My next plan is to make a little adventure around one part of Skye where there are no roads and no one lives, on the other side of the mountains. Like a little, wet, cold Shangri-La. I suppose I won't tell you about it now in case you arrive and ruin it for me. Really, loud american accents aren't made for this part of the world, dear friend...

Dont forget your sandwiches!

Ok, thats all for now, (I'm off to the movies...) I'll write more on the beautiful Plockton and the Highlands later in the week...don't forget to send me a birthday present tomorrow!

Identifying Uninspiring Twats no 1 - The Coldplay Test

So…we’ve all been there, you find yourself in a place all alone, but then two or three other ‘travellers’ turn up and order some food. Hmm ok theyre speaking the local lingo – possible twats, that’s for sure, especially if you’re in Tibet or some random country. But not definitive. Ok they ordered the Vegan option. Again – probable sign of twatness. In fact 90% sure. But not always, there could be a legit reason, although I cant think of one.

So how do you know for sure and accurately every time that those brand new people who you may find yourself hanging out with are legit and not totally dickwads who you would want to avoid in every circumstance? You know them, or at least you suspect but want to be sure. The guys with ribbons in their beards. Perhaps called Jules or something even more twattish. Maybe with the silly ‘ethnic’ disk earring, squandering a fast dwindling inheritance because they can’t make it in the real world (although actually many of these guys are quite cool) Or, shock horror, they are on their gap yea...

I have found the solution. Ask yourself this – have you, or do you know any man who admits he likes Coldplay – and is not a twat? I mean a slap yourself on the forehead, what a dick, kind of twat? Well, there you go.

So. Be polite. You don’t want to hurt feelings. Even a twats feelings. Why not drop something like ‘yeah you heard the new Coldplay album?’ subtly into the mix? And wait for the response. Then you will know, for sure, if that person/people are worth spending a moment more of your precious time with.

Ok girls of course. You can like Coldplay. You’re girls, you can do anything and we still won’t take you seriously(WHAAT?)

You can cry, shop, emote, wear suntan oil, Play the ‘im a girl’ card. No problem. We’ll still love you, fools that we are. They are a silly manufactured band, invented for to exploit girls.  Like a boyband for people over 25. But if your boyfriend doesn’t understand that, and wants to join you at the Coldplay gig, I’d start checking what else is on the market if i were you….