Identifying Uninspiring Twats no 1 - The Coldplay Test

So…we’ve all been there, you find yourself in a place all alone, but then two or three other ‘travellers’ turn up and order some food. Hmm ok theyre speaking the local lingo – possible twats, that’s for sure, especially if you’re in Tibet or some random country. But not definitive. Ok they ordered the Vegan option. Again – probable sign of twatness. In fact 90% sure. But not always, there could be a legit reason, although I cant think of one.

So how do you know for sure and accurately every time that those brand new people who you may find yourself hanging out with are legit and not totally dickwads who you would want to avoid in every circumstance? You know them, or at least you suspect but want to be sure. The guys with ribbons in their beards. Perhaps called Jules or something even more twattish. Maybe with the silly ‘ethnic’ disk earring, squandering a fast dwindling inheritance because they can’t make it in the real world (although actually many of these guys are quite cool) Or, shock horror, they are on their gap yea...

I have found the solution. Ask yourself this – have you, or do you know any man who admits he likes Coldplay – and is not a twat? I mean a slap yourself on the forehead, what a dick, kind of twat? Well, there you go.

So. Be polite. You don’t want to hurt feelings. Even a twats feelings. Why not drop something like ‘yeah you heard the new Coldplay album?’ subtly into the mix? And wait for the response. Then you will know, for sure, if that person/people are worth spending a moment more of your precious time with.

Ok girls of course. You can like Coldplay. You’re girls, you can do anything and we still won’t take you seriously(WHAAT?)

You can cry, shop, emote, wear suntan oil, Play the ‘im a girl’ card. No problem. We’ll still love you, fools that we are. They are a silly manufactured band, invented for to exploit girls.  Like a boyband for people over 25. But if your boyfriend doesn’t understand that, and wants to join you at the Coldplay gig, I’d start checking what else is on the market if i were you….

Leon, The city that grows on you like a stray dog

At first I didn't like Leon. Another dull one horse Nicaragua town where all the streets look the same.

A street in Leon, yesterday

But as I stay here longer, I'm finding there's a lot of Leon under the skin to find. The people are warm and friendly, even though most foreigners here are 'do gooders' and probably irk the locals somewhat (yes, of course 20 year old western NGO's know how to run a country much better than locals) there has been nothing but smiles and local prices all round.

Some Courtyards are lovely

Some are grubby

Others are classical

And others just chilled

And, to my pleasure, it turns out that all these ugly looking houses have lovely (or not so lovely but at least with potential) courtyards and gardens. Its a whole other city within a city.

Random nice House

Leon is full of these kind of 'diamonds in the rough'

Crocket shows off his gun, while Johnny Depp, newly homeless after 'The Rum Diaries' looks on in the background

There are dozens of good restaurants, ranging from cheap and cheerful ($5max a dish like Antonios Pizza) or posh but still quite ok price like Meson Real, its about $10 a main course, for an English speaking owner who understands service and well presented grub or El Mediterraneo (if you prefer overpriced food and truly awful service) What there isn't though, is anything in between (or at least that I've seen yet)

The foreigners seem to be here either learning Spanish or on NGO/Peace Corps 'missions' to save the world or at least save the poor Nicaraguans from themselves (Actually this may not be fair as they are mostly decent people, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions if you ask me)

The post apocolyptical filmset which is Leon

This is life for lots of people

Amazingly this church while looking like shit from the outside is beautiful inside. Just like Leon. Or like an ugly woman.

A local farmer shows off his cock on the bus. He's taking it to the Cockfight tonight

 Being a university town (with 6000 students, quite a lot for a 3rd world country) there's alway lots to do. They had Opera in the main plaza last night. And tonight there is a cock-fight. I met a random old farmer (in the pick) on the bus back from the beach (20mins away, lovely...) He was bringing his prize cock to the cockfight tonight. Well i can't go to Nicaragua without going to one so...more later on that!

The main positive thing here though is the people. All these places that look extremely sketchy, are not at all. I went to play Poker on Friday night in probably the most dangerous looking Poker House i've ever seen, but the people were courteous and kind and were truly awful players. There seems to be no greed, no locals trying to stitch up foreigners culture, even the real estate people were decent, which is a sign...

Of course shops have the ubiquitous latino 'armed guard' just in case

As for places to stay...the whole range is here - 5 star El Convento where for $90 you can have the fun of being locked out of the hotel as the guard snoozes the night away and doesn't hear you ring the gate (true story) I stayed in Lazy Bones where a dorm is about $10, a room $20 and with en suite $30. I stayed here, its a kind of hotel/hostel combo, a little quieter than the party scene hostels like Bigfoot, but with pool, wifi, hammocks and a nice relaxed atmosphere and usually running water...