Why We Need Hipsters

Hipsters, ya?

You see them everywhere these days. Except for Glasgow, where real people do real things. Even vegans in Glasgow aren't hipsters in any way, something that I am very proud of in my home city.

Sitting here with facial hair and a peru hat, plugging away my apple mac, in Hipster central Buffalo 'sweetness 7 cafe' on the west side (which sells British pies for $6 a pop) I can understand the irony of this statement. But i'm far too genuinely obnoxious to be a real hipster.

I'm always reading and hearing about how the hipster factor is great for gentrification though. These home brewing, lesbian literature reading wastes of space who never admit to being hipsters have money (from bank of mum and dad/trust fund) and are key in transforming neighbourhoods from being rough old redneck joe style places to being rebranded as 'edgy' and are an essential oil in laying the foundations for normal middle class twats to feel ok about moving into erstwhile rough areas.

In Hackney, i'd buy council houses from Nigerian families that had so many cockroaches we would go in with masks and fill bin bags with them, before fumigating the house, painting it, and renting it to Nathan Barleys and finally selling it for double or triple the price to normal middle class people, happy in the fact that Japanese teenagers and twats called Nigel lived in the neighbourhood. (Japanese teenagers have the same affect as hipsters on the neighbourhoods - a great bit of gentrifaction decoration for a council estate !)

Here in Buffalo its no different. Sweetness 7 is pack full of white anglo saxon protestant Portlandia style do-gooders, hatching crackpot non profit (i.e. so stupid they can never make profit) plans for urban vegetable picking collectives and skateboarding parks for Burmese pensioners. But the great news is they are flooding the West side, pushing prices up and pushing poor people out (I mean they don't really want to live beside poor people anyway, because they plan to settle down and have families one day) It's good for the area - beautiful big old houses here with original wood panelling, and stain glass that have tenants that don't appreciate them are moving to cheaper pastures as the '99%' move in and talk about veganism and helping poor people and banning guns, so the poor people can come back and rob them at gun point, of course - part of Gods restribution plan.

Hipsters are actually good for those 'between the gap' business though - lifestyle businesses that can never make money, but sometimes do actually provide a service to the city, like 'free hugs' collectives and of course the hipster trend towards voluntary slavery - anyone want to be my intern for 6 years?

So all in all - Hipsters -

- Useful for slumlords interested in the gentrification process.
- Handy for free stuff.
- Do not in any way add to a city economically apart from that beyond fluff and voluntarism (the latter of which is a saving grace, I concede)
- Put barbers shops and razor sellers into bankruptcy

Anyway i'm glad to be intergrating my latest Ayahuasca journey with my usual love for all mankind. Strangely enough, i'm pretty sure I met God in the amazon jungle and he was quite cool with me being discretionary. I mean, lets face it, he was - just read the old testament....

Glasgow in 'Not Raining' Shock

It has emerged today that rain has not fallen in Glasgow for over ten hours. Emergency Services have been put on standby and shocked residents have been covering up and staying indoors.

In a more sinister turn, locals and conspiracy theorist alike claim to have seen a large bright orange yellow ball of fire in the sky. While this is the first time the object has been known to appear in Glasgow, it had been known to have appeared regularly in other cities, and was ominously known as 'the sun'.

Strange Days Indeed (all credit to a random website/photographer who is better than me)

The existence of 'the sun' had been previously dismissed out of hand by the majority of the local population.

 Experts claim the problem could well continue right up until about 8pm, after which rain is again forecast.
Local umbrellas salesman Hughie McHughie commented 'Aye it'll be good to be back to the rain again. People get stressed and don't know what to do when it doesn't rain. I've seen people become  disorientated, drinking alcohol, and even eating vegetables - a sight unheard of in these parts.'

Back to normal. Glasgow in the rain. Yesterday. Or was it the day before.

Fish & Chips!! Glasgow

Well tonight is my last night in Glasgow, en route to warmer climes (Miami then Nicaragua) via colder climes (Toronto, Buffalo, and good old Detroit) So what better excuse to take an Estonian friend for her first 'Fish Supper' in the University Cafe, Byres Road, Glasgow.

Welcome to the land of deep fried sugar

Its so old school it doesn't even have a website. Also, strangely enough it has an outdoor toilet, i kid you not!

But the fish and chips are pretty good, nice and fresh and oozing with cholesterol. Fish and Chips, for you foreigners, is Haddock (Cod in rubbish places) deep fried in batter, and chips like those below. You put on salt and vinegar (or salt and 'sauce' (vinegar and brown sauce) in Edinburgh and the heathen east)
get yourself a cup of tea, and voila...  (i.e. its just like fish fry in USA, but nicer)

I will dream of this picture in Nicaragua

Anyway, the place itself is basic but had a lovely atmosphere. I don't think its changed since it opened in 1918, and the menu has all the student classics like 'cheese beano' and a million combinations of fry-up.

So if you were a real Scotsman, you would eat your fish and chips in your Kilt (with Irn Bru)

Actually I understand fish and chips was first brought to Britain by jewish immigrants to London, about a zillion years ago. And so we Brits kind of took it on, just like we did with curry, and made it our own (i mean British Cuisine needs bolstering where it can lets face it)

Do you recognise this famous film star in the Uni Cafe?

Anyway, now its time to pack - it is truly awful having to pack for minus 20 snow in Buffalo, to the tropics of Central America. But, dear reader, watch this space and i'll report on the truly shameful exploits that may or may not take place....

Modern Art is Rubbish - Gallery of Modern Art, Glasgow

This alcove  is infinitely more beautiful than the polythene bag. 

So what is it exactly about modern art though? I remember making a gross error of judgement and went to the 'Tate Modern' one time. I couldn't find a single interesting piece of art. Am I missing something? Have all the beautiful things been 'done' already, so the artist must push the edges and make some conceptual piece or are they simply not talented and its a big game to fleece a gullable fau-intellectual public?  I'd be on the latter side myself. In fact i was thinking about selling some blank canvases, with just my signature at the bottom, to portray the emptiness of modern culture (maybe thats been done already?!!)

Anyway, i thought i'd share these photos of the Glasgow 'GOMA' - Gallery of Modern Art, which actually is set in a beautiful building and is worth going for that, and maybe some of the more normal stuff on the upper floors. But seriously. Is that piece of polythene an 'Installation' or just a big piece of rubbish? I left the gallery none the wiser....

Monstrous carbunkles ruining a beautiful building - GOMA, Glasgow

Glasgow in 24 hours (or maybe 3 days really)

24 hours in Glasgow on the other hand, is a doddle. The only problem is, that you'll want to come and live there.

Firstly, do a little tour...

The way Glasgow is built (fairly high density 4 storey tenenement blocks) means its easy to get around. To start off in the morning, jump onto the 'hop on hop off' bus tour. It has two loops, the East End and the West End. The East End is ugly, the West End is beautiful.

The Peoples Palace, Glasgow

  On the east side, you can check homeless drunks waking up to their morning can of 'special brew'. There are however a few little gems and oddities to check out - on the weekends there's 'The Barras' which is one of the worlds biggest flea markets. If you want knocked off DVD's and computer games this is also your best bet. The area half gentrified now so you see a few nice looking new developments sticking out like a sore thumb. The gem of the East is Glasgow Green, a large park on the river. It contains the Peoples Palace a strange museum devoted to the history and life of Glasgow, which actually has a really great conservatory to have a cup of tea in (if you are that way inclined) Another quirky thing worth checking (apart from the amazing Victorian fountains in all the parks) is Templetons carpet factory, which is a copy of the Doge's Palace in Venice. Also if copies of Italian Architecture floats your boat is the Ca'doro (house of gold) building on the corner of Union Street and Gordon Street, a copy of the Venetian house of the same name.

Glasgow Green, and Templetons carpet Factory

The West End of Glasgow is posh and bohemian. Full of more interesting people. Even some foreigners. Glasgow University is there, across from the Kelvingrove Museum and Art Gallery, which is well worth a visit. These, together with The Huntarian Museum (its in Glasgow University Building), and the Glasgow Transport Museum and the lovely Charles Wilson designed Park Circus all hang out around Kelvingrove Park, Glasgows best park by a long way ( I should know, i've slept in it ) Best get off the bus around here and take in this part of the city by foot, just wander around, the buildings are beautiful, the streets leafy, and theres a new and interesting thing around every corner. Once you finish up, you'll need some food. Mother India, across from the Art Gallery is the best Indian food you'll ever eat, i kid you not. Dont just beleive me - youll notice it because theres often a queue out the door. Its not expensive either, just a great atmosphere, experience and food (hey i hope your reading this and offer me free curry!!)  If you want some good healthy Scottish Seafood, go for Stravaigin (which is Gaelic for 'to wander' ) on Gibson Street, across the park.

Glasgow Uni, the other day before it started snowing

You may as well at this stage, if you want ot leave the West End back to the centre, jump on Glasgows strange little underground system, known locally as 'the clockwork orange'

Anyway, the city centre, as you know from my previous posts has a whole bunch of pretty victorian streetscape - check out in particular Royal Exchange Square, which houses the GOMA (Gallery of Modern Art) and has some pretty funky places to eat and drink, like one up, on this link, and also Princes square if you like to combine it with posh shopping. If you like good seafood and pretty interesting Art Deco Interiors, check out the famous Rogano Oyster Bar in Royal Exchange Square too. This is the saquare with the famous statue who permanently dons a traffic cone (ever since i was a kid, im not sure who put it up there but it looks great)

In the city centre, the coolest part is Garnethill, up by Sauchiehall Street.  A must see for a visit to Glasgow is the School of Art , not only the most famous Charles Rennie Mackintsh Building, and the Alma Mater of 'The Glasgow Boys' movement amongst other painters, but also of a fair few 'Glasgow sound' rock bands like Travis, Belle and Sebastian, Franz Ferdinand, Snow Patrol....(even though theyre from Ulster!)

The nearby west main part of Sauchiheall Street is also worth a peek,  if by then you fancy a beer. It used to be the main street of Indian restaurants but theres a whole mix now of arty Bars and restaurants, with some trendier ones behind there on Bath Street. Being a fan of cosy dive bars, id recomend 'The Variety Bar' if you want to meet poets and chancers. Once you have a taste for it, walk West though across the motorway, and towards Woodlands Road - my favourite pub in town, Uisge-beatha there. Its a dive, its true but the quiz night is legendary (and impossible) it does a great selection of Whisky, a good mix of people (pretty much everyone with an iq over 120), and for the ladies, all the bartenders wear kilts! If you want to get drunk after that, theres 'Ashton Lane' just off the back of Byres Road thats one big bar street, with something for everyone, so long as its alcohol your looking for.

Sleeping? if you really insist, check www.hotwire.com  or www.hostelworld.com really, or better yet, just chat up a local.

ps and dont bother going South of the river unless you want to check Scottish Ballet's base, the impressive Tramway theatre.  Or to visit me of course. 

Scotland, the Templar knights, Robert the Bruce, and the Battle of Bannockburn

Stirling Castle, scene of Robert the Bruce's final routing of the filthy English in 1314

So, on this day after St Andrews Day (the day of the Patron Saint of Scotland, and oddly enough, Russia, Ukraine, Romania, and Patras in Greece) winter is quickly upon us. It makes Scotland look much nicer thats for sure. So i've nicked a couple of photies frae the newspaper to show you, dear reader.

Edinburgh, looking dreich as always, just the other day

The snow today in Glasgow is about a foot, not exactly Baltic level snow but enough to make ladies who lunch panic (although im not sure why because they all drive 4x4 Range Rovers) The working class are not generally affected since, like in US you can tell our poor by the fact that they are, to a person, fat, and therefor well insulated from the cold. Well, fast food isnt much cheaper than healthy food but its far more convenient.

However i digress... let me tell you a little about the history of my lovely home...im really looking forward to, at some point soon, visiting Stirling Castle (pictured) and the Wallace monument, which is halfway between Glasgow and Edinburgh, and traces the harsh times where Scotland was getting some trouble from the English King, Edward 1st ('Hammer of the Scots') but, as you im sure saw in 'Braveheart'...cometh the hour cometh the man...and William Wallace, stirred up the populace enough, for Robert the Bruce to come back and utterly trounce Edward's foppish son Edward 2nd and take back Scotland once and for all at the Battle of Bannockburn in June 1314, just at the foot of Stirling castle.

Wallace Monument, diguised as a penis

It gets more interesting though. Rumour has it the Templars got into the fight...
``...the great King Robert the Bruce supported by the Knights Templar led by Sir William Sinclair with an army of only 9,000, defeated 38,000 Englishmen, the Scots facing heavy calvary, archers and wave upon wave of staunch and brave Englishmen.

But, while their involvement hasn't been proven, historians argue that the Knights Templar (or what remained of them after they were broken up by the damn French) were given refuge in the then excommunicated pariah state that was Scotland, so im sure a few were knocking around....heres a great link - i think that actually if the Templars did in fact fight with us (or at least the Scottish ones) then they wouldnt really want to draw attention to the fact so it all kinda makes sense.

Oddly enough all this is connected to the Da Vinci code and the Roslyn Chapel, which was built by the Sinclair(St Clair) family. Who oddly enough were involved in Scottish Rite Freemasonry and are known as a leading family in the Illuminati. And who (heres one for the conspiracy theorists!) their descendant Lady Sinclair married (the heir to the throne) Jacob Rothchild a few years back. Check Here (if you are into this kind of thing) you can see that they are the leaders of the Illuminati, and it was all calculated to ensure world domination etc etc.

Anyway back to the battle - rather than let me tell you the story of how the 'wee folk' (the cooks and so on) decided to join the battle, and the English, already losing, thought this was reinforcements coming, routed and ran, leaving the Scots to capture a large portion of English Nobility for ransom, you can see the whole background of the battle in the following..

Link to the Battle of Bannockburn

well....heres to war and world domination!

Thankyou

I must now just quickly say to everyone who has shown appreciation of my badly spelt and chaotic writing efforts, Thanks very much, its very inspirational to have people telling me they enjoy reading this Blog (are you sure you got the right Alan?)

It's really helped me keep sane these last few months to write some random shit every day, even if its just my own personal stupid jokes (who i'm sure no one laughs about but me ;o) ) but its helped find my writing voice too which is great. I can one day join the legions of awful writers whos books sell for 50p in Bargain Books, scaling to the same heights of my newly fledged acting career
( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79evflBQW2w - i think you all can recognise the apple here)

Today i bought my brother a birthay card which is for a girl and has fluffy high heels on it. I think he will appreciate it but not sure if his wife will see the humour.

I wandered round old haunts in Glasgow, and watched a new film at the GFT(Glasgow Film Theatre) called 'The Road' - http://www.theroad-movie.com/ a great but sad movie, with Viggo Mortensen(Aragorn) but with some great scenes of cannibalism ;o) woooah pretty scary if your easy scared though...

'if you dream bad things happening then it shows you're still fighting, that your still alive. Its when you start to dream of good things, you should start to worry'

Well the point of the film i like - it's all about keeping alive the fire inside -

Personally i'd say the only way to do that is to push yourself into uncomfortable positions and taking on too difficult odds - if you dont make any mistakes, then you cant ever learn can you? So, all you smartarses out there who are never wrong, are really just lying weak wankers (and quite boring to listen to) - it's the guy who is brave enough to make mistakes and learns is the cool guy, and i suppose this must be what makes losers more interesting and attractive to (certainly to Estonian) women. 'i can change him' you know what i mean girls? Personally i hate that, since it means men aspire to be fuckups so girls like them, but thats Estonian (and white trash) culture in general (if you aren't like that and like handsome witty Scottish men, and you are hot, please call me as we obviously havent met)

I remember one angry Estonian guy (a mafia criminal lawyer and an arsehole i might add) telling a Norwegian guy in Tallinn - 'you should go home - you are too funny. I dont like you' it was very funny. What a douchebag, this estonian 'kartulpead' (potato head) was scared that he was in danger of laughing. Enjoying life. I hope he got 'concrete skis' by now.

After the impending Nuclear Holocaust and i become a cannibal, i will make sure i eat any Estonian men with sugar- they are more bitter than the nastiest lemon.

Ok, if there wasnt the odd 'moral reflection' piece in this blog i couldn't make it into a bestselling novel...back to the normal lighthearted abuse next posting! If anyone has any suggestions im open to anything, but i was considering taking the piss out of Americans, Israelis and Blondes in general in the near future. Little cheeky Scottish guys could also be on the agenda just to be fair... ;o)

Glasgow Scotland

So im back home in Glasgow.

First priority, Fish and chips - lovely

here is the recipe, i dont know why they dont sell it elswhere...

http://www.glasgowguide.co.uk/scottish_recipes_Fish_And_Chips.htm

By the way, yes its true about deep fried mars bars, and deep fried pizzas. The Pizzas are a glasgow thing, (and a highlight of my childhood) because the chippies were originally often run by Italians for some reason. The deep fried mars bars are from Aberdeen probably made up by drunk oil rig guys.

For those of you who dont know - this (building) is the Gallery of modern Art - the statue outside of the guy on the horse (i think is Wellington), but its more famus because there is permenantly a traffic cone on his head. Every time (for since i was a little boy) it was taken off, someone put another on, so eventually it became an institution and stays there. The gallery was once the tobacco exchange and before that the house of a rich guy.

Last night i went (what a surprise) to play poker. The players werent so good, but at the casino was the 'Miss Glasgow' competition so it did hold some distractions for a man like me. Here are some of the contestants (they are quite cute but i dont think any of these girls won ;o) ) Glasgow girls are id say (unbiasedly) the hidden gems of this world. you can be buying a can of Irn Bru then suddenly the cutest girl you ever saw just asks if you have a Tesco card. They are also pretty good at seeing through bullshitters which does beg the question why i ever have any luck with them :o) but despite seeming pretty 'gallus' (look it up) they are like all girls just testing us guys to make sure we are actually men they would want to be with ;o)

Tonight ill go for a curry and to 'the horshoe bar' with some old schoolfreinds....diet of kings!