Nha Trang, Vietnam = Sex Tourist Fail !

The funniest thing happened when we got to Nha Trang, which is the main resort here in Vietnam. Walking around the quiet town after dinner, on our first night out (and feeling increasingly disappointed by the fact that no one actually seems to go out here after dark) we happened across a bar jammed full of a coachload of fat sex tourists from Manchester who, every year, went on holiday to some poor part of the world ‘to party’ as they politely put it (meaning to get drunk and have sex with cheap prostitutes.) After their last years excursion to Pattaya, one of them suggested what perhaps looked like on paper, a similar place in Vietnam, Nha Trang.

Funnily enough all the more idiotic (i.e. lonely planet) guidebooks do say that it’s a ‘party town’ kind of place, with people on the beachfront being accosted by ‘kamakaze hookers and pimps’ but back in the real world, this simply is not true, the beachfront has a couple of half empty quite upmarket bars/restaurants populated by random Russian families eating dinner and groaning about the weather.

What no one seemed to mention to our amorous heroes, is that Vietnam hasn’t been ‘that kind of place’ since the GI’s prowled about in 1967, and nowadays this town is host to 20,000 package tour families a month from Siberia, American Vietnamese returnees, and assorted backpackers - and no prostitutes.

So as I listened to their morose tale, it seemed these guys had spent the last 3 days scouring the whole town for ‘brassers’ as they call them, not to find a single one so, much to the benefit of the ladies of the world, were destined to spend their annual holiday week here in the rain, with only the Manchester United match and Saigon beer for company. Complete Sex Tourist Fail!

Anyway, more on Nha Trang later, my $2 lunch just arrived!

Central America Vs South East Asia

Well, the dilemma for many of us people from North Europe with too much time on our hands is...where to spend Winter? For those on a budget (or just people who want good value for money) the obvious choices are either a. South East Asia or b. Central/South America.  Africas too scary (real wars and everything) Australias too boring and expensive, and not exotic enough, and the North...well the North is too cold.

Anywhere heres a step comparison from my 'in the field' observations....

1. Food
Central America - Chimichingas, Enchaladas, beans, rice, fried pretty much everything. Everyone here is fat, wonder why?

SE Asia - Lemongrass, tasty soups, spring rolls, lovely dishes wrapped in banana leaf....makes me hungry just thinking about it....

Result - SE Asia WIN

2. Culture
Central America - cockfighting, bull fighting, awful music and noise pollution everywhere you go. The most over excited and overexcitable people in the world. But on the plus side, a lot of passion and honesty. People aren't smiling to your face while robbing you here, they pull out a gun instead.

If you're looking to catch the Schubert recital tomorrow night, forget it. They have no idea who Schubert is. Or Beethoven for that matter. But if you hate peace and quiet and serenity, and love a constant chuchungachuchunga beat somewhere quite loudly in the background, police whistles and gunfire keeping you awake at night, this is the place for you. 'Change' zombies circle whenever you see Gringo. I've been standing waiting for the hotel guard to show up so long at times that every zombie from miles around has heard me shouting him and has limped (they tend to have bullet wounds of gammy legs from drugs) towards me babbling something connected to 'chaaaaange' in Spanish. I've been surrounded before, and the taxi has already sped on it's way, which ain't so good if you've had a good night at poker and are sitting with $2000 cash in your pocket

SE Asia - Ladyboys, buddhism, massages, genocide. I dont know, maybe its my age, but i do prefer peace and quiet, and not being a prisoner in my own hotel at night. I didn't experience any dangers at all in SE Asia beyond Ladyboys trying to chat me up. High culture, it must be a Europe/New York thing, it isn't here either, but cheap massages, cheap and tasty food, and the ability to walk around a little bit at night is a miracle.

Result - SE Asia WIN

3. Things to do
Central America - There are a lot of things to do here, truth be told. Ancient Civilisations abound, the best surfing in the world, amazing diving and snorkeling, and outside the big cities, life is (relatively) safer and a little more laid back. Here in Nicaragua you can do all sorts of things up Volcanoes, and there is even one city that is Liveable (Leon) The other great thing is that in many of the countries (due to the murder rate being the highest in the world) there are very few dickhead backpackers to ruin it all for you.

SE Asia - Yes, the beaches are here too, and the surfing, but i'd say on balance not quite as good. You can learn Muy Thai up in Chan Mai or explore Angor Watt in Cambodia, but it always seems to me that its all a 'backpackers' thing, i.e. there are too many 20yr old idiots from Surrey spending their Gap Yea finding themselves by 'getting wasted' and thinking they will be useful to society in some way at sometime (no, you won't, unless you get a Mcjob)

So, all in all, although there are plenty things to do, it's spoiled by there being too many European (and especially Aussie) arseholes in SE Asia. (except Emma and your lovely friend who returned my Charles Rennie Mackintosh book after 5 years, thanks!)

Result - Central America WIN

All in all, I can say SE Asia is a gentler, safer journey. The only thing breaking your serenity is the fake guffaws of Mr Coldplay as he laughs at some poor girls joke. The real Shangri-La is world without these people. And no I haven't and will never go to Ko-Sa-Mui, or to a full moon party. But there are great little spots in SE Asia (which i won't tell you about quite yet) to get away from these people. Head for the danger zones. These lonely planet junkies won't go near there.

As for Central America...well i've had some great nights here. If theres danger you can smell it (literally) a mile away. There seems (as i remember from one messed up Columbian guy the other night) to be an active drugs scene. My friend got some lovely baking powder from him for i'm not sure how much.

If you want to live long and prosper, SE Asia won't get you killed. Its the Coldplay of subcontinents. Safe, tastes pretty good but gets boring. If its more AC/DC you're looking for.......



6pm profoundness - On another point, people who take drugs. If you want to find the real answers, take Ayahuasca, stop pottering about with cowardly little baby steps like hash or cocaine. You take it perhaps because, deep down, like all of us, you're looking for something, but you won't find it there in the shallows....

Ayhuasca, Oi!

The main event in this holiday is a 9 day ‘shamanic workshop’ in the middle of the Amazon, which starts on Monday. ( http://www.nationalgeographic.com/adventure/0603/features/peru.html ) I will be in the same place as events took place in the classic banned in every country video nasty, ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannibal_Holocaust and you can watch it via wwww.surfthechannel.com ) which is a pretty mental film, I recommend watching it. The director i beleive even went to court to prove that it wasn’t a snuff movie…well anyway its an isolated camp in the middle of the jungle with no electricity. I’ll go without oil, salt, coffee, tea and all normal food for 9 days, where I will be in isolation and not be able to even touch anyone, and indulge in 5 sessions of Ayhuasca, which is a tea made from a jungle vine and a plant, and which induces vomiting and hallucinations. Its said that everyone who takes it meets a little old green woman, who is the forest god, and also a giant snake. ( http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x39tss_ayahuasca-the-snake-and-i-english-1_politics )
If you allow the snake to eat you then you gain enlightenment. Personally I’m a total skeptic on these things, as you can gather, but I also believe you can only critizise something that you have experienced, so here goes (i've even gone and got my first ever skinhead since i wont be using such trendy modern crap as soap, shampoo or toothpaste over the next 9 days - maybe im missing something, is this why Estonian men do the same? Is the male population of Mustamae all in a state of permanent enlightenment?). I’m increasingly thinking to myself what an idiot I am for putting myself through this shit but hey what the hell

I do wonder what the other people will be like at this camp. There are I think 10 others. I’m hoping some cute chicks but I’m not holding my breath as cute chicks don’t generally go for hardcore self deprivation. I’m guessing a crossection of nutjobs, ex hitmen, and people with serious issues, all of whom I intend to avoid like the plague. I’m hoping against hope there are no self absorbed aroma therapists who play bongo drums, or spritual outreach craft workers, although they will be funny to take the piss out of at least. It might be fun to kidnap them actually. I must discuss this option with the local Indians.

I haven’t taken any malaria tablets because this 9 day thing means I cant take anything like that, as well as no alcohol, sex, or drugs for one month after, and no pork for 6 months (I’m not sure why on this - does it temporarily turn you jewish?) I’ve been flying over the jungle now for 30mins and all I can see is jungle as far as the horizon - what pricks are talking about disappearing Amazon? There is plenty of this green inferno left, I can tell you. Near where I will be, I believe are some of the last uncontaced tribes in the world. It would be funny if they actually were cannibals like in the film. Its basically about the remotest place on earth so don’t expect me to be answering your email any time soon.