Ten Things That Make a Place Civilised

So what makes a city/town/village/row of houses civilised?

Here's my top 10

1. Free Water in Restaurants and Cafes - massive fail for greedy Tallinn Restaurant owners who make sure the staff bring you some expensive Evian when you specifically ask for tap water. But full marks for UK, Japan, USA and even the humble Kanooks for always giving you free water when you sit down.

2. Free Wi-Fi everywhere (including airports) - And the opposite applies. UK especially must be the most backward country in the world regarding this. Most people still call it the 'Interweb' or if you are with BT broadband 'Interwait'

3. Real Originality - Ok im not talking about hipsters walking around looking like zombies and making ironic remarks like on Broadway Market, London (I'll find out if its the same in Buffalo's Hipsta Allen Street tonight)  But a real unique local creative hub that doesn't look to other cities to copy is priceless. Seems to me that smaller cities have this original 'feel' like Osaka, Glasgow, Toronto, Amsterdam, even little old Tallinn, know what i mean?

4. Cheap Living and Tasty Cheap Food - What is the point of a 'cool' area being a place where it costs $500,000 for a studio apartment? All that means is the trend is DOWN. Thats why London and New York are decidedly mediocre these days. If you're in a place where its too expensive for a struggling creative genius to eke out even a meagre living then guess what...all your neighbours are shyster lawyers and dull bankers, and your life may as well no longer exist.  Tokyo has 119 Michelin Starred Restaurants, but...its damn expensive. Kuala Lumpur, Bangkok and Singapore all have great food choices for a quarter of the price. I would get a better steak for a tenth of the price in Buenos Aires than London, thats for sure. And the waiter wouldn't be Eastern European either.

5. Good Bookshops - to spend afternoons in. No further explanation needed.

6. Good Weather - Look, i don't care what you say, but what the hell are these 'lifestyle surveys' thinking of when they put the crappest coldest wettest cities in the top ten? - (here) Helsinki, Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto - why not throw in Anchorage Alaska while you're at it?  All the South East Asian Cities are too humid. Vienna, Glasgow, Copenhagen and Seattle rain all the time. And all the others in the top lists (like Geneva or Barcelona) are too expensive to consider.  So that leaves us with a couple of nice weathered South American Cities like smog blessed Buenos Aires who really deserve to sneak in there.

7. Mixed Race and other Beautiful Chicks -  Ok this maybe a personal bias, but it seems to me that mixed race chicks are almost alway smoking hot. And that adds to the good vibe. Everyone is happy when a beautiful girl is around (hint for beautiful girls - especially if she's making breakfast)

8. Positive Vibe  - Well you can say its just who you hang around with but really, overall some cities just have a good energy. London and New York are great but have a negative grinding vibe, probably due to the massive expense of simply existing there. You know what i mean? Weather says a lot here too.

9. Low Redneck/Bro. Count. - But directly connected to this is the redneck count. I mean don't get me wrong i've been accused of defending rednecks in the past, and in some ways, i do feel for them. I mean we're all white trash when we go far back enough aren't we? But of course to be in a city where the weekend'scene' consists of drunk fighting or thumping hip-hop and DJ's are considered talented isn't civilised. You can tell the redneck/bro count by the number of fast food outlets in a neighbourhood. Hackney used to be a 'Bro' neighbourhood (Black youths looking to relieve you of your wallet/life) and even without seeing anyone you could tell because every shop on every street was either a fried chicken place or barbers shop. Now white English twats called Tarquin eat in the same places when drunk, parking their stolen supermarket trolleys outside. Dickheads are also not civilised.

10. Plenty Sports around.  Ok I know I abuse fat people possibly more than any other group in my blog. (forgive me, I try to abuse everyone fairly and evenly) but really its more because its their own fault. My friend showed me a video today (where she is now a TV presenter, well done!) of Tallinn, and i noticed how everyone is normal looking. Because almost everyone does sport of some kind (or at least the girls live on coffee and cigarettes to stay slim) and they eat normally, and there are few fast food outlets. Then I looked around in Buffalo as a typical US place outside California, and the average person is overweight. Its about 40% diet- since its full of sugar and additives and prozac here. But the most important thing is at least the Opportunity to do some sports. Beaches are good, lakes, mountains, or even non-crappy weather. Then we can all stay outside instead of sitting home playing online poker.

Ok on this basis, i'm packing my bags for Honalulu !

Roddinghead (Road) Revisted

It was one of those lovely May days in Glasgow where it swiftly gyrates between warm rain and sunshine and the clouds move fast like you see in some of these arthouse movies when its a dream sequence.

So i decided to test how fit i still am and took a long run up through my old haunts in the suburbs near my parents house.

What was interesting (at least for me) was the story that some streets tell - I was thinking this as i ran along Roddinghead Road. Roddinghead Road is one of those new money streets peopled by an assortment of families who are rich as hell but immensely vulgar (usually indians, greeks, italians, arabs, the less classy Jews, and of course proletariat who've done well - basically the type of people who don't get into the Golf Club up here)

 The typical 'thing to do' if you make a lot of money quickly and are ill-bred, is to buy an old pile on this street, demolish it (or if you feel particularly rich and vulgar you buy the house next door too and demolish that to make an even bigger plot) then you build an extremely ugly but enormous house, with the aim of showing off to the people next door how stupidly rich you are. Sadly the formerly lovely avenue of Roddinghead Road is full of these nasty 'Pondarosa' style carbunkles.

You can really read the story of the current times here -  On a road of say 40 houses, while of course most are still solid looking and deuce despite the numerous interlopers, there were McMansions for sale (foreclosed?), empty McMansions with long grass (abandoned?), and at the end a large empty space where some chancer had demolished the house, with the intention I suppose of showing off his timeshare/drugs/real estate/football player money by building some monster sized monument to his working class roots. But since the grass was already grown long there, perhaps after knocking the house down, he lost his money as quick as you could say 'negative equity'.

 Fortunately, for Roddinghead Road, the times of fast easy money are gone, and who knows, in time these streets will recover from is rash of vulgar palaces built in the last 20 years. But for now, despite there being no apparent recession in the rest of Glasgow, this tells me what i already suspected - the easy buck has gone now, and won't be back for a long time.

But with easy loans gone, where will the new businesses be? where will that brace of chancers and barrow boys who always seem to manage to make it ? Guys like Alan Sugar or Richard Branson? I'm sure the younger generation of confident and energetic are a lot better than on the 'apprentice' show in real life. However - we're only now just at the beginning of the great unwinding of the credit bubble so with no money available, only the real deals will pull through, and these guys (I hope) wont be building crappy but enormous homes on Roddinghead Road. Maybe they'll even demolish a couple and build decent homes.

I'll drop up there in 5 years time and report...

Tallinn in Spring, and random Easter blethering

An Estonian Woman, in February

Well, despite the usual death threats, here I am back in Tallinn for the spring. I think Spring is the best tme of year. Ok ok i hear you say. Its already 20 degrees in London and twats there are probabaly wearing some new metrosexual summer cardigans or somthing. And yes, it's already beach weather in Spain. But when you look out the window here, it looks crisp and beautiful. The birds are chirping and singing on the mounds of cigarette encrusted brown snow. And when you go outside, its just when the wind blows that you remember that you should have brought a hat with you.

But the most special thing about this time of year in Estonia, is that this is the time when the women begin to thaw into human beings. During winter they usually wrap up and dont laugh at my (ok ok not very funny) jokes. Or stay home whenever it goes below minus 20. But walking around now, you can a host of beautiful human beings, smiling, doing sport, even God forbid laughing. And its a fine sight, for the time being.

Now that the hell that was the Marathon Des Sables is no longer interfering with my drinking or writing, or attempts to live as a semi normal member of society, I plan to now ignore the fact i have no home for a little time more.

I have however whittled it down though to 5 semi-potentials.

1. London? Yes, good for the biz, lots of old and good freinds there, surprisingly nice weather, lots to do, and the odd interesting person to meet, but generally overpriced city with no imagination, full of self absorbed full of shit rat race twats who pretend they have a life because they drink in shoreditch once a month, or people jumping on whatever bandwagon they may find to pose as 'cool' . Idiots. Living here permanately will turn me to setting up a vigilante movement to inflict violence on a large number fo the population.

2. Glasgow. Yes, my old home, a beautiful city, and a good place and good atmosphere to be a 'creative' type, but borderline parochial and conservative for a freak like me, and my mum would want to iron my shirts every week. Its also likely a mob would lynch me at some point here in the future for my political views.

3. Buffalo - Really where i should be for the next while for the business. And cheap and bursting full of 'artists' But what the hell, id kill myself in a year in a small cold city surrounded by fat rednecks.

4. Tallinn -  Good freinds, good vibe but severe lack of inspiration and that, the sheer tininess of the city, and the fact most Estonians hate me probably has to knock this on the head as a permanant place to live (unless i of course the miracle happens that a girl actually decides to put up with my weirdness and marry me)

5. Tokyo - No reason to be here, im just thinking with my penis.

So basically the jury is out. A common theme seems to emerge connected to my general arrogance and dislike of people of non-genius IQ's here, which isnt good for my long term personal safety. But what do i care, i know what happens when you die anyway and its quite ok.

The becoming a monk for a while in Tibet and learn kung-fu still sounds good but i dont think my libido would allow that to happen - there may be some very sore goats in that monastary after a few months.

Anyway for the short time while the weather is above zero in Estonia, im going to take a cottage in the countryside, to actually focus on this book ive been writing for the last trillion years and actually get it into a publishable format. Then i can actually forget about business and become a whore to writing hard boiled cynical noir cannibal slavery Beethoven inspired fiction, based sadly enough on my own tragically dysfunctional life (except the cannibal part, thats illegal here)

Id like to say here that im fully recovered from the race now, but actually my toenail just fell off so i'd be lying. next stop Arctic Yukon Ultra ! Then I can actually have the immense fun of losing toes, not just toenails...

Blatant Tranny in the 'Douce' Suburbs

' Douce '  -

chiefly Scottish

: sober, sedate douce faces of the mourners — L. J. A. Bell>

— douce·ly adverb

(Your enjoyment of this Blogpost will be greatly enhanced by playing  This link -Elgar Symphony no 1 )

 

So....Today, as I was queuing in Giffnock Post Office to buy some stamps for Christmas Cards, I noticed a fine looking 50 something Gentleman in front of me, wearing lovely pink lipstick and blusher. and wearing a twinset and pearls. 

I wouldnt have bothered about it so much apart from the fact I was in Giffnock.

Giffnock is what you could describe as 'Douce' .Every Scottish city has an area like this, or two. Think St Andrews, Troon, Kelvinside, Morningside. People here arent flashy, many arent even rich, they are simply stable. Volvo driving, labrador walking, Rugby Golf and Bridge playing, cottage in the country holidaying, humourless prudes for the most part - not 'country' enough for the foxhunting set, not 'city' enough for the radical chic and those ghastly left wing people.

These communities dear freinds, here in the death throes of the British Empire, are the backbone and the final and last bullwark, against us finally and permanently 'going to the dogs'

So im sure none of you will be surprised when, much to my amusement, todays blatant suburban postoffice tranny was certainly causing some whispering and tutting from those upstanding and moral ladies who lunch today.
I'm sure if their downtrodden, Archers listening Stockbroker husbands knew about it (they surely would at supper tonight) there most certainly would be some words about it to be had to somebody (what is the world coming to for Gods sake?!)

Giffnock, 100 years ago (or was it today, same difference)

The reason these places are great though is not only BECAUSE NOTHING EVER HAPPENS here, its because, these guys are the only people left in urban Britain WHO STILL KNOW THE RULES.  This Church going, stiff upper lipped, fair playing, hard working, DOUCE, Scottish middle Class exude stability and well educated Christian modesty from every pore. They've been churning out accountants, lawyers, and doctors (and here in Glasgow Engineers) across the Empire for a hundred and fifty years, for crying out loud.

But when trannies walk the streets of Giffnock, we're surely on the slippery slope. When the 'douce' suburbs finally fall ( read - vote Labour ), then the sun will have set on the Empire, and all will be lost.

ps - Ironically, our arch socialist ex prime minister - the man charged for ruining our country this time round (since the last Labour Prime Minister), Gordon Brown was born here, funnily enough in what is now my local pub.